To Keep Citizens From Joining ISIS, Nations To Hold Pillages At Home

Wembley. Soon the seats will not be the only red section.

London, September 13 – To blunt the visceral appeal to young men of a militia that encourages its fighters to engage in brutality, abuse, rape, and theft, countries around the word have developed a plan to keep the potential Islamic State recruits at home by establishing local outlets for the barbaric behavior targeting religious opponents.

The military achievements and massive human rights violations of the Islamic State’s fighters have prompted dozens of countries to examine how many of their citizens have gone to Syria and Iraq to join the movement, and challenged those countries to find ways to prevent their men and women from continuing to do so. Estimates of the number of non-Syrian and non-Iraqi fighters in ISIS ranks go as high as 12,000, primarily from the Muslim world but in worrisome numbers from Western countries as well. To stem the trend, Britain announced today that it would be instituting a weekly event at Wembley Stadium at which Muslim fighters with British citizenship could participate in various displays of brutality against non-Muslims. Three other nations quickly announced similar plans, hoping to keep the potential ISIS recruits from channeling their bloodthirstiness toward the establishment of an Islamic Caliphate.

At Wembley, participants will be allowed to choose from among an array of ISIS-inspired activities, including beheadings, mass shootings, crucifixions, gang rapes, and general pillaging. Parliament has assigned a committee to study the feasibility of allowing the activities to take place outside the stadium itself, a step with its own regulatory and legal hassles, but one that would allow a closer approximation of the ISIS model by allowing participants to take the rape victims home with them into forced marriages or sexual slavery. Candidates for victims will be randomly selected from among Britain’s non-Muslim population, with priority given to Jews.

France soon announced a similar policy, but, given the country’s larger Muslim population, established seven separate locations for the events, four of them in the vicinity of Paris. Additionally, the French program will allow participants to choose victims from among other Muslims who do not adhere to the same strain of the faith as they, in keeping with the ISIS pattern in Iraq and Syria.

“This policy is a logical extension of Europe’s policy of Multiculturalism,” explained French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius. “By encouraging immigrants not to assimilate and to disdain classic European – especially French – notions of tolerance and liberalism, we set the stage for this next phase, which essentially involves the active, wholesale import of all the elements of Islamic culture, including the aspiration to undo the checking of the Muslim armies at Tours in 732 and all the brutality that would occur in its wake.”

In the US, despite several documented cases of citizens traveling to join ISIS forces, the necessity and efficacy of such a program remains doubtful, as any American interested in participating in such brutality will simply move to Detroit, Newark, or Chicago.