With Supply Now Infinite, Cats Classified As Renewable Resource

Jerusalem, September 22 – The exploding population of feral cats in Israel has prompted the Ministry of Environmental Protection to declare the animals a renewable resource, clearing the way to harvest them and use them in myriad ecologically friendly projects, a government spokeswoman said today.

Spokeswoman Ailura Hatuli told reporters at a press conference Monday that the animals would soon serve many industrial and agricultural purposes, as their now-inexhaustible status gives Israel an advantage in multiple fields while enabling government and corporate entities to more easily meet various minimum requirements for making use of renewable resources in regular operations. She also referred to plans to establish a feline research and development unit of the IDF to determine the most effective ways of weaponizing cats or using them in combat support roles.

Local folklore attributes the creature’s ubiquity in the streets and dumpsters of the country to either a British or Ottoman attempt to rein in the rodent population, but in fact the cat is native to the Middle East, having evolved from the desert wildcat of the region. The growth of the Israeli economy over the last several decades has brought with it increased consumption and increased food waste, giving the felines a plentiful supply of home and restaurant scraps on which to feast and sparking a massive population boom that many locals view as a nuisance, if not an outright health hazard.

Occasional attempts to capture, spay, and neuter as many of the beasts as possible have enjoyed only limited success. Estimates vary, but according to the Central Bureau of Statistics, the number of feral cats in Israel has now passed the point at which they can actually be eradicated, and Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu assembled a multidisciplinary team last year from several government ministries to assess the feline population and recommend ways for Israel to address it.

In a surprise result, the committee advised the government, especially the defense establishment, to embrace the feline explosion. Its report, spanning more than 3,000 pages, detailed more than six hundred innovative uses for feral cats, including dropping them into terrorist strongholds by air; burning them to produce electricity; using their skin and fur to reinvigorate Israel’s struggling textiles industry; and establishing the lucrative rights to more than 80% of the images on the internet.

Already, the Kibbutz Movement, an umbrella organization of cooperative farming communities, has expressed interest in the use of cat feces as fertilizer, and of reintroducing the animals’ intestines as the primary material from which to manufacture tennis rackets and stringed instruments. Dafna, a kibbutz in the Golan Heights that manufactures footwear, is exploring the use of cat skin as a low-cost alternative to cowhide.

Not everyone is thrilled by the announcement. “Cats are spreaders of disease,” said Al Lergi of the Israel branch of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. “Really, it would be possible to completely wipe out cats, but the government has never been serious about that attainable goal. It’s just not willing to allocate the necessary resources.”