Just Kidding! I Don’t Forgive Anyone. You’re All Going To Die.

By The Lord Your God

The morning after the Day of Atonement, you’re feeling pretty good abut yourself. Yesterday was tough, but you managed to get through the fast, to make a sincere attempt at changing for the better, and maybe even to put some real fervor into your prayers. You might even have felt a weight lifting from your shoulders as the shofar sounded at day’s end. You’d done it, and now maybe things will improve. Well, gotcha! It didn’t work. Every single one of you is going to die.

I could reassure you and say it’s not your fault, but that’s not true. It is your fault. You made horrible choices. Yes, I know all about those lewd fantasies of you and Natalie Portman. Get real, dude. Talk about a forbidden mixture. An abomination. Verily, I say unto thee, yuck. No way a little breast-beating and contrition is going to wipe away THAT aesthetic offense. And you had to go and do it at the most inappropriate moments, too, right there in the synagogue.

And you – there is no WAY I will exercise My infinite mercy for anyone who reclines their seat in an airplane. You can talk yourself blue in the face – and, by the way, that gives Me an idea for your demise – about the airline executives and their greed spawning sardine-like conditions in economy class, but you play the hand you’re dealt. Someone else’s malfeasance doesn’t give you carte blanche to chuck consideration out the window at 30,000 feet. By the way, that gives Me another idea involving those executives.

Besides, no one actually seeks actual forgiveness anymore. It’s all, “I apologize if I offended anyone,” as if all would be hunky-dory if they had the sense not to be offended. What are you afraid of? Admitting a mistake? Well, look at Me: I’m admitting seven billion mistakes. And doing something about them.

It’s good to be the King of Kings, yes, but it also means I have to put up with your collective crap. Well, no longer. I’ve had quite enough of your denial of a human role in climate change. And since I’ve always had a thing for poetic justice, there’s very little I have to tweak to get that manifestation of human stupidity to be your undoing. Enjoy the fruits of your labors, morons.

You might claim it’s unjust to sweep away most of humanity when only a portion of them have been misbehaving to that degree. You might also deserve a smack upside the head for implying that the God of Justice should do anything but mirror humanity’s attitude. Ladies, gentlemen, and Vladimir Putin, if you lot don’t generally show sufficient concern for your fellow humans, it’s more than a mite disingenuous to come crying to Me about them now. I’m sure the victims of the diamond-funded wars of sub-Saharan Africa are touched to the core over your sudden protestations. The child slave laborers of southeast Asia must be moved to tears over your newfound concern for their welfare, with your iPhone full of components dependent on their work. That Ebola frightening the pants off you? Good. Stew for a bit before you bleed your stomach out through your eyes.

But wait! you cry. The Day of Atonement is a Jewish thing! What about the rest of us?! Why don’t WE get a chance to repent?

A fair question. If you’re a total nitwit. You seem to pay extra close attention to everything Jews do. Every tiny action gets scrutinized and used or twisted to represent Jews in general. Such prolonged, intense exposure to Jews should have alerted you long ago to their idea of atonement: recognition of the wrongdoing, remorse, and real resolve not to repeat it, regardless of any day on the calendar. But you were so busy with conspiracies, demonizing, and feeding your own prejudice that you never noticed. A hunger for pizza, I can understand, but a hunger for hate?

Mmm. Pizza. Verily, I could go for some of that. That gives me an idea for the focus of creation next time around.