Tel Aviv, October 9 – Minister of Douchebaggery Aluf Arss introduced a new douchebag timetable yesterday morning, announcing that jogging or otherwise engaging in public athletic activity while shirtless would be officially sanctioned through November and December, and resume in March. The previous schedule endorsed the behavior only from May through September. The new policy also includes updated provisions for aggressive hitting on members of the opposite sex, for selfish assertion, and for treating wait staff with open disdain.
In explaining the decision, Arss cited feedback from douchebags across the country complaining that they have been unable to adequately foist their egos on those around them without more accommodation from the government. The ministry wasted no time pushing its new changes to the front of its own internal schedule, shoving aside other measures that had been scheduled to go into effect.
The document detailing the parameters of the extended douchebucket shirtless season also clarified several important terms, including the issue of “athletic activity.” Whereas until now shirtless public athletic activity had been narrowly defined to refer to actual physical exercise or associated activities such as stretching, from now on the term also includes engaging in behaviors aimed at showing off one’s body not specifically in the context of exercise. The clarification, which has long been considered a national doucheballoon objective, means that “athletic activity” now explicitly includes such pursuits as preening, flexing, lying in the sun, spandex, and tank-tops that might as well not be there.
Beyond the question of douchewagons’ athletic showing off, the new set of guidelines addresses douchecanoe behavior in non-athletic contexts such as restaurants or retail establishments with service staff. Douchenozzle regulations have applied to the mistreatment of wait staff in restaurants since the Ministry was created in 1998 when Prime Minister Netanyahu ramrodded the decision through the Knesset during his first term, but until now the ministry’s purview has not formally included verbal abuse of minimum-wage workers, or littering. Additionally, douchebarrels have been more or less on their own in deciding where and when to cut to the front of long lines, use handicapped-only parking spaces, and play music from their car stereos at volumes that would explode a rhinoceros.
Arss demonstrated another of the more precisely defined behaviors by consistently addressing one attractive Haaretz reporter and making repeated sexual advances. The reporter deflected the minister’s gambit, but that did not deter him from persisting in requesting her contact information for later use.
The authority of the ministry to regulate those areas of douchewad endeavor comes from the body’s brazen assertion of it. Arss dismissed a reporter’s inquiry as to the basis for his office’s authority, electing to set up a full-length mirror behind the podium and, with a pair of tweezers, to pull hairs out from around his nipples, rather than answer the question. As other journalists attempted to direct further questions his way, Arss casually left his clothes in a pile in everyone’s way, and began taking selfies in the mirror with his iPhone.
At press time, this correspondent had to file his report remotely because some douchehat had double-parked him in.
Fabulous Facebook Comments!
Glorious Google+ Comments!
Wordpress Comments