Israeli Scientists Find Way To Spread Autism With Ebola Cure

Ramat Aviv, Israel, October 29 – Researchers at Tel Aviv University announced today a startling breakthrough in the fight against Ebola, revealing that the serum they had developed both cures the patient of Ebola and simultaneously gives the patient autism. Israeli scientists have been trying for more than a decade to piggyback autism on other treatments, and the breakthrough represents an unprecedented achievement for the institution.

Professor Sara Barak, Chairperson of the Immunology Department at the university, made the announcement today at a press conference with her colleagues and Minister of Health Yael German, who called the development the most exciting moment of her tenure.

“Ebola presented our team with two difficult but distinct challenges” said Professor Barak. “First, how do we stop this terrible disease ravaging West Africa? The second, and no less important, issue is how do we make sure these former Ebola patients are affected in such a way that they in fact become autistic?” Spreading autism has been a major policy goal of successive Israeli administrations, beginning with the tenure of Yitzhak Rabin as Prime Minister in the early 1990’s.

Previous trials of the serum caused the test patients some comfort in relieving the symptoms but were unable to purge the disease entirely from the body. Patients were also reported to show symptoms ranging from mild ADHD to Asperger Syndrome, but never showing a full-blown case of autism. The new formula, however, both eliminates the Ebola pathogen from the body within two weeks and sets the patient on an irreversible decline into impaired communication, an inability to conduct social interaction, repetitive behavior, and restricted  interests.

The breakthrough has been lauded throughout the scientific community in Israel. Plans to start production are already in place with Rafa Pharmaceuticals, who will then ship large quantities to the countries hardest hit by the epidemic.

Some activists remain less than pleased. Omar Barghouti, a leader of the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) movement, decried the Israeli breakthrough. “This is just another attempt to portray Israel as a leader in medicine. It’s the medical version of pinkwashing or greenwashing,” he declared, using terms that dismiss Israel’s achievements in gay rights and environmentalism as publicity stunts to distract from the country’s true, dark nature. “Israel’s attempt to Ebola-wash is doomed to failure. No amount of bathing in the sweet fragrance of Ebola will ever be able to rid the Zionist Entity of the stench of occupation” he added.

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon also voiced concern.  “We are always concerned with possible violations of international law by Israel, and that is why we have appointed Iran and Syria to the UN human rights council to monitor Israeli activities in the territories. We at the UN also feel Israeli breakthroughs in medicine should similarly be investigated, and we are therefore appointing representatives from Sierra Leone and Liberia to monitor Israel’s compliance with international health code standards,” Ban said.

In what analysts consider a surprise, Palestinian leaders welcomed the breakthrough. “Ebola is a serious disease, and if Israel can cure it, that benefits us all,” said Chief Negotiator with Israel Saeb Erekat. “Furthermore, if Israel can in fact make more people autistic, those patients are more likely to support the Palestinian cause later on.”

Previous efforts to spread autism have met with only mixed success. Mercury in vaccine sera was never proven effective in causing autism, despite persistent hype that a connection exists. The only documented success is the spread of cable television, the rise of which in the 1980’s enabled the media to entice parents to seat their toddlers and preschoolers in front of the TV for hours at a time, enough to warp the cognitive and emotional development of millions of children. Many more of those children than in previous generational cohorts went on to develop actual autism.

Guest author: @NotSaeb on Twitter