Slow Download Speeds Hampering Access To 72 Virgins

Mosul, Iraq, November 2 – Crumbling technological infrastructure in the war-torn Middle East is wreaking havoc with Islamic martyrs’ ability to reach their promised 72 virgins, religious leaders told reporters today.

The civil war in Syria, tribal fighting in Iraq, sectarian violence in Lebanon, and several other raging conflicts in the region have seriously disrupted communications in a region already challenged to bring its communications technology into the twentieth, let alone the twenty-first, century. While satellite phones and other staples of modern telecommunications are available, broad access to those technologies remains elusive, especially in remote tribal or rural areas, forcing heaven to rely on older, less reliable methods.  The ill effects of the fighting now also include long periods when shaheedin, or those who sacrificed their lives for the Islamic cause, are unable to claim their six dozen pristine brides in the afterlife.

Islamic heavenly authorities contracted with local communications companies to streamline the virgin-claiming process in the 1990’s, when suicide attacks were becoming more and more commonplace in conflicts involving Muslims. They foresaw the spike in demand for virgins as Chechens and Palestinians resorted more and more frequently to the tactic, presaging a veritable torrent of new shaheedin once the conflicts in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Pakistan escalated last decade. But the promise of technology to handle an otherwise cumbersome process fizzled over the last several years as the companies tasked with providing the technological services themselves became casualties of the ongoing violence, leaving a backlog of martyrs awaiting their virgins and no solution on the horizon.

“We banked heavily on this technological solution, and didn’t really have a backup plan,” admits Archangel Gabriel. “It was working so well for a number of years that Allah reallocated the resources that would serve as an alternative to other purposes,” he explained, gesturing toward a stockpile of fireworks and other flaming projectiles to be used against Israelis in Jerusalem.

As a stopgap measure the number of virgins provided to each new shaheed was reduced to twelve three years ago as the supply issues became apparent, but even then the bottleneck has not subsided. Ongoing Muslim violence in Egypt, Gaza, Sudan, Somalia, Libya, and China continues to produce martyrs, but the infrastructure can no longer guarantee each heavenly arrival even one virgin apiece, with some virgins being shared by up to six men at a time.

“It’s inhuman,” laments Muataz Hijazi, who arrived in heaven last week after a firefight with Israeli security forces in Jerusalem. “Not that I’m going to submit a formal complaint about this for myself, because after all, I didn’t actually succeed in killing that Rabbi, but as you can see, it’s awkward to have to take turns like this.” He expressed hope that the technological side of things would be worked out soon, but it was probably the Jews’ fault.

In the meantime, heavenly efforts have been concentrated on alternative processes by which virgins are provided, with mixed success. Emissaries to the Earthly realm have arranged for the increased provision of virgins to men who have yet, technically, to become shaheedin, a process that accounts for the mass rape of Kurdish, Yazidi, and other women in areas conquered by the Islamic State. Tight controls do not exist, meaning that a good number of the women being provided are not in fact virgins, but so far the recipients have not complained. Gabriel hopes that the fighting will reach a relative stalemate soon, so that the situation stabilizes and the current backlog can be addressed.

“I suppose we could just go back to interpreting the word in the Koran as ‘white grapes’ instead of ‘virgins,'” he mused.