We’ll OK The UN Statehood Bid If It Includes Unlimited Breadsticks

By Hassan Yousef, Hamas Leader

The leadership of Hamas announced yesterday that it does not support Mahmoud Abbas’s effort to get the UN Security Council to endorse a Palestinian State, since the move “does not represent the consensus of Palestinians.” This remains broadly true, but I must stress that I, personally, speak for a large and growing contingent of Palestinians who would throw their weight behind such a resolution if it included a provision for unlimited breadsticks.

You know the breadsticks I mean: crusty on the outside, soft on the inside, fresh from the oven, dipped in all sorts of yummy sauces or soups. If we had an Olive Garden restaurant here in Palestine I’d basically live there. I’m all for resistance of any sort unless it means resisting those amazing grissini. Toss in that one provision and our obeisance is assured.

Rest assured, this does not mean we compromise one iota on our claim to all of Palestine, and our right to wrest control of it from the accursed Jews by any means necessary. That part can happen anyway. Just give us our unlimited breadsticks, because breadsticks.

This is the part that Abbas and his misguided cronies in Fatah don’t get. One large problem is their focus on the meaningless and illegitimate “1967” lines when in fact our right is fight for and take all of historic Palestine from the River to the Sea. Another is any notion that the holy city of Al-Quds could be shared, let alone referred to by its infidel name “Jerusalem.” But also presenting a hefty problem is their blindness not to demand free, unlimited breadsticks for all time.

Most of the world’s developed countries already pump billions of dollars into Palestine, including funding for bread. All that needs to be done is slightly modify the purchasing practices, and boom! (one of my favorite words) – unlimited free breadsticks. Instead, Abbas and his corrupt associates pocket those funds and disburse them to favorites and supporters, while the rest of the Palestinian nation wallows in the poverty-laden muck of limited breadstick access.With the addition of but a few words, Abbas could secure our support. All its takes is inserting the provision that the nations providing aid to Palestine must include unlimited free breadsticks in the package. No right-minded nation could vote against such a measure. Even the Great Satan might reconsider its reflexive use of the veto in support of the Zionists when unlimited breadsticks are included, since, as we all know, unlimited breadsticks are so close to the Great Satan’s heart.

Come now, brother Abbas, and show you mean it when you declare our movements unified in government. We can support this endeavor and delay our reclamation of the lands beyond the 1967 lines for just a little longer. Because breadsticks.