No Wonder The World Wants To Kill You People

You’ve always been a bunch of troublemakers.

By US President Barack Obama

You have to have a thick skin to succeed in politics. The higher you rise, the thicker that skin must be, so as you can imagine, I’ve developed a certain toughness, a certain tolerance for criticism. Unless it comes from you Jews. Then I understand why everyone has always wanted to kill you.

I expect opposition from Republicans; that’s essentially their job. But you uppity Jews have no appreciation for the fact that I don’t squash you like bugs. I could, you know. I’m the one who gave that order to take out Bin Laden. I could do that to each and every one of you. When you don’t roll over and play dead, it’s perfectly natural for everyone to wish you were dead. It’s tradition. Jews understand tradition, so your agitation over this is confusing.

You’ve always been a bunch of troublemakers. When the rest of the world was perfectly happy to be venerating multifarious forces as competing gods, you had to go and insist everything is one. When the Romans, Byzantines, Almohads, Crusaders, and Tsars were trying to suppress your culture, you went and developed the richest intellectual and moral tradition the world has ever seen. Small wonder everyone resents you and wants to kill you. Nobody likes a goody-goody.

It hasn’t stopped in modern times, either. Hitler got closer than anyone else, and then bam, a few years later you built a state of your own. Then you go and become leaders in innovation and entrepreneurship, as if it’s important to work for the improvement of human existence. Don’t think I don’t know Israel is a leader in cheap generic alternatives to important drugs. I see you, Teva Pharmaceuticals. You think I admire you? I hate you. Everyone hates you.

Don’t go calling this attitude discriminatory. Discrimination is what Muslims suffer. When an attack on civilians takes place in the name of Islam, our first concern must be for the potential backlash against Muslims that might result. You Jews will be just fine. Unless you won’t, in which case you were probably asking for it. Who gave you permission to be Jewish, anyway?

There are good Jews, mind you: they’re the ones who uncritically support me no matter how disastrous my policies will be for them and Israel. More of you should be like them. And if not, well, there will be consequences.

As I’ve said before, we’ve got your back – and if you ever want to see it again, do as I say.

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