Mr. Muhammad The Prophet, These Passport Photos Are Unusable

By Shelly Davis, Passport Documentation Processing Clerk, US Postal Service

OK, Mr. The Prophet, thank you for submitting your application. Let me see the form…good, nice to see you wrote clearly. Alright, all the information is there. Did you remember two passport photos? Great, let’s have a look…oh, no. I’m sorry, Mr. The Prophet, but these won’t do at all.

Look, look: the face is completely unidentifiable. We need photos that show exactly what you look like. That’s exactly the point of a passport. It has to serve as a form of identification, and that can’t be done without a decent photograph. All you have to do is go across the street to that convenience store over there – they have a booth you can use, and you can have them printed out in a jiffy.

Sir, I’m not sure what the problem is. The rules are clear – unlike the photographs you submitted. And it’s easy to get photos that are usable, just by going across the street. It doesn’t even cost very much – certainly a lot less than the application fee. Just go outside, cross the street, get your passport pictures taken and printed, and come back. It’s not even crowded here today – you can be back in less than ten minutes.

You’re making a big deal out of this, and I don’t understand why. You need valid documentation to travel anywhere outside the country, and the documentation process has strict guidelines. The passport control officers at every destination, whether here or abroad, are going to need to compare the photograph on your passport with your face to determine that you are who you claim to be. This isn’t rocket science. How much clearer do I have to be?

Who took these photos of you anyway? Well, whoever it was, once you finish here, go back and tell them they better stop doing it unless they improve their skills. Or maybe their printer. Your face is just a big blur. That’s just useless. We need a crisp, clear image of your face, showing all parts of it. No, the size and placement aren’t a problem – it’s that no one can tell who this is.

I’m not familiar with any religious exemptions to this rule. In fact I’m certain there are none. It’s the first time I’ve heard of any such thing, and people of all religions have been applying for passports here for decades already. Sir, I’m sorry, but we do not make such exceptions. Please go across the street to the 7-11. You see outside there they have the little photo booth? We send people there all the time. It works just fine. I’ll even let you come right back to the counter when you come back, cutting right in front of the line.

Sir, you’re wasting my time, and everyone else’s. There are six people waiting to be served here, and you may not monopolize me. I’m going to have to ask you to leave, Mr. The Prophet, and come back when you have valid passport photos.