Obama To Rescind Sanctions Against Prince Humperdinck

Monitoring measures include the hiring of independent consultant Tyrone Rugen to oversee the clandestine portions of the Florinian international relations program.

Florin, April 7 – Royal representatives announced today that the US had agreed to remove its trade sanctions against Florin in exchange for guarantees that its ruler Prince Humperdinck would desist from starting wars with neighboring Guilder for at least two years.

Spokesman for the prince convened a press conference at the palace this afternoon to discuss the deal, under which President Barack Obama will order the removal of the sanctions effective immediately, while Humperdinck will pinky-swear not to hire Sicilian mercenaries to frame other nations for crimes committed at the prince’s own behest.

White House spokesmen confirmed the agreement Monday, saying that the president insisted on strong guarantees for Florin’s side of the agreement, such as forming a brute squad to clear the Thieves’ Forest before any major national event. Other monitoring measures include the hiring of independent consultant Tyrone Rugen to oversee the clandestine portions of the Florinian international relations program, and entrusting the lone gate key to where Florinian records are kept to a fearless man named Yellin.

Reaction to the announcement has been mixed, with political allies of Humperdinck lining up to support it, and opponents of him and of Obama voicing objections to the deal. “As captain of one of Prince Humperdinck’s four fastest ships, I can attest that when he commits to something, he sees it through. I believe his exact words were, ‘May I live a thousand years and never hunt again,’ or something to that effect. He would never lie. We are men of action. Lies do not become us.”

Local magician Miracle Max declined to comment directly on the issue, attempting to prevent reporters from mentioning the prince’s name. He professed little knowledge of the agreement. “Nobody’s hearin’ nothin’,” he insisted.

International responses to the deal have also come down on both sides. “Guarantees? You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means,” said a Spaniard, noting that a better deal was possible – all the negotiators had to do was start over. “When a job goes wrong you go back to the beginning,” he explained.

The Turkish response was also lukewarm. “Not very sportsmanlike,” said Fezzik, a Turkish representative, in describing the conduct of Humperdinck’s negotiators during the bilateral talks.

An Albanian representative, however, praised the agreement’s terms as ironclad. “Don’t even think about trying to escape” them, he said. The alternative scenario was too horrible to think about, he warned, and would plunge a person into a pit of despair.

White House officials commented sparingly on the deal, speaking only to correct what they characterized as lack of comprehension on the part of those challenging the agreement. “You’re reading it wrong,” said spokesman Fred Savage in an uncharacteristically forceful tone.

At press time, President Obama had called a meeting of advisers on how to proceed with the ongoing land wars in Asia.