Shipboard Rats Hire Livni As Consultant

“Ms. Livni has proved a master at sensing disaster far in advance of our own capabilities, so naturally we invited her on board as a consultant.”

Ashdod, May 12 – Seeking advice more expert than their own knowledge and experience, the rats aboard the container ship ZIM Hamburg have engaged MK Tzipi Livni as a consultant to help them determine the best time to abandon the ship.

The community of rats, numbering in the dozens, has long enjoyed a reputation for a keen sense of knowing when the vessel is doomed. However, in recent months they decided to take extra precautions, and to find a candidate with an even more developed feel for detecting the point beyond which things will only get worse, and that it is therefore time to find an alternative home. Given MK Livni’s extensive experience with that task in the political realm, the rats hired her this week to share her instincts and give them more advance warning of impending doom.

“This is an important move for us,” said rat spokesman Akbar. “A sinking ship is a matter of life and death, and even an extra few moments can make the difference between escaping and being pulled under. Ms. Livni has proved a master at sensing disaster far in advance of our own capabilities, so naturally we invited her on board as a consultant.”

Akbar pointed to Livni’s political track record on that score, which he said speaks for itself. He noted specifically that she has repeatedly moved from party to party and allegiance to allegiance before disaster struck. In 2005 Livni sensed the shifting political winds that gave rise to Ariel Sharon’s Kadima Party, all but eviscerating Likud and relegating it to little more than a helpless Knesset bystander. Livni rose in the ranks of Kadima, even replacing Prime Minister Ehud Olmert at its helm in 2008. But her failure, even after a victory in the 2009 parliamentary elections, to cobble together a governing coalition, presaged the party’s decline. Livni, however, resigned from the Knesset in 2012 after losing the party’s primary, and soon formed HaTnuah with several other Kadima breakaways, avoiding the catastrophic Kadima loss in those elections that took the party from 28 seats to 2, the absolute minimum.

HaTnuah joined Binyamin Netanyahu’s coalition after the 2013 elections, with Livni herself serving as both Minister of Justice and head of the negotiating team with the Palestine Liberation Organization. However, the futility of those talks and lack of progress on several other political and legislative issues prompted Livni to split from the coalition, realizing that her lack of any achievements would not serve her well in impending elections. She therefore moved HaTnuah into an alliance with the Labor Party, and now serves as a Member of Knesset in the Zionist Union delegation that represents the alliance.

“We specifically admire, and want to harness, Ms. Livni’s prescience,” said Akbar. “More than anyone else, she seems to know just when to abandon ship – certainly not when it’s too late to save her own skin, but also not too early, which would hurt her chances of finding  new home.’

At press time Livni was unavailable for comment, as she was in a meeting with the pugnacious rising star of the Opposition, Yesh Atid leader Yair Lapid.