Somebody Apparently Buying, Eating Krembos

“I’m sure there are plenty of uses for Krembo that don’t involve putting it inside your body.”

Ramat Gan, June 18 – Food retailers across the country report that despite the manifestly non-edible nature of the Krembo snack, somebody is evidently buying – and, apparently, eating – them in large quantities.

The Krembo, a marshmallow-creme-topped biscuit coated in erstaz baking chocolate, has been manufactured in Israel since before the establishment of the state. Its leading producer, the Strauss Corporation, sells tens of millions of the so-called confections annually, mostly during the cooler months of the year when melting is less likely. Researchers have been unable to locate any actual humans willing to consume this package of chemicals, adding a layer of mystery to the repulsive chocolate-esque snack.

Sales figures among retailers – both supermarkets and smaller stores – demonstrate that the Krembos are being purchased, and trash cans bear the evidence, in the form of the empty wrappers, that someone has opened them and, presumably, eaten them. Initially, researchers believed they might discover the uneaten Krembos separately, but were eventually forced to conclude that they had been somehow consumed, no matter how disturbing the idea.

Experts are divided on whether to interpret the evidence so simply. “The most direct explanation for the sale and consumption of Krembos is that people have been eating them, and doing so in large numbers – about 9 per person per year, on average,” says Ippy Kack, who studies Israeli food trends. “It’s not a particularly appetizing thought, I’ll admit, but remember, this is the culture that gave us pizza made with ‘yellow’ cheese instead of mozzarella, and, Lord help us, Bamba,” she said, referring to a puffy peanut butter snack.

Dissenters include Dr. Bulimia Nervosa, a leading nutritionist. “It is completely unreasonable to suggest that anyone would willingly eat a monstrosity such as Krembo,” she insisted in a telephone interview. “The fact that people buy it and unwrap it does not necessarily mean they have been eating it. People buy bleach, too, and they don’t eat that. I’m sure there are plenty of uses for Krembo that don’t involve putting it inside your body,” she added with a shudder.

Dr. Nervosa was unable to provide compelling alternative uses for Krembo. “It doesn’t work as ballast – far too airy. No, I think whatever use people have found for it must involve it being used up or consumed in some way, perhaps as fuel,” she offered tentatively. “I simply contend that whatever people are doing with it, it cannot conceivably involve eating it. Ew.”

Representatives of Strauss were similarly puzzled. “We certainly market Krembo as a food item, but that doesn’t mean people have to use it that way – just look at baking soda,” said spokesman Will Hurl. “Truth be told, we don’t presume to know what anyone does with it. We just try to ship it the hell out of our factory as soon as it’s made.’