Savings? Not When We’re Going To Get Nuked Anyway

By Moshe Kahlon, Minister of Finance

Let me get this straight: you want me to worry about affordable housing, the cost of living, defense expenditures, struggling Holocaust survivors, fiscal responsibility, and a crumbling health care system, while none of that is going to matter in a few years when Iran gets the bomb? Get real. Me, I plan to liquidate the State’s assets and throw the biggest goddamn party you ever saw. Get it while the gettin’s good.

Does anybody seriously think the mullahs of Tehran aren’t going to cheat, sneak, defy, bribe, and bully their way to a nuclear weapon as quickly as possible? Sure, some residual sanctions might slow them down by a few months, but all that will cease to matter once Iran has a nuclear weapon. There’s literally no down side for the Ayatollahs in ignoring the deal and continuing to develop those weapons. No one can credibly argue that Russia will agree to reimpose sanctions when violations are inevitably revealed, so bye-bye deterrent to non-compliance. And bye-bye to financial responsibility of any sort, because when the Middle East goes all mushroom cloud, you folks who rambled on and on about the deficit and the budget are going to feel pretty silly. Canape, anyone?

I encourage all of you to follow my example. Junior will not need to attend university, because there will be no university, and no Junior, for that matter. We are all going to fry, every last non-cockroach between the Mediterranean and the Indus River, and possibly everyone else on Earth, too. This afternoon I’ll be holding a conference for the heads of all municipalities and local governments on quick ideas for how to transform public bomb shelters – which will be pretty much useless in the coming nuclear apocalypse – into night clubs where we can live out our remaining days in one constant party.

How will we pay for such things, as they are not included in the budget? Ask a silly question… With total annihilation awaiting us within a few years, who is going to care about following proper allocation procedures? I can even see banks getting lax about their security as the months pass, because those shekel notes are going to be worth less than dirt – that is, if they haven’t all been incinerated into dirt by Iran. To get this economy on a roll immediately, I encourage anyone with a modicum of tactical planning expertise to rob banks, currency exchange booths, jewelry stores, whatever – any establishment with lots of cash on hand at any given moment – because they’ll soon realize there’s hardly any point in holding onto money. Just make sure you get to them before they have a chance to spend it on massive street parties.