I Hope They Don’t Find My Deleted Ashley Madison Messages

By Hillary Clinton

It’s a decisive time in American politics, and I don’t just mean the Iran Deal. The Democratic primary race is heating up, and I hardly need tell you that certain issues are going to keep cropping up, like a game of whack-a-mole. One of those is the missing e-mails from my time as Secretary of State, and I hope to God that even if the FBI recovers most of them, they better not get their hands on my Ashley Madison correspondence.

It’s one thing to have your e-mail address included in the list of 30 million Ashley Madison “members” that was leaked today. I can weather that – just claim it was a prank, or an underling’s doing, just as others will do. It’s another to give the lie to such a claim when the actual messages are publicized. Can’t count on my various liaisons all deciding to declare, “I did not have sex with that woman.”

So I can sit tight and just hope the investigators, press, and curious bloggers happen to miss it all, or I can do something. Obviously, coming clean is out of the question. I’m a Clinton. That’s not what we do. We blame Vast Right-Wing Conspiracies. A conspiracy is less plausible than most scenarios, I suppose, but it can always be a Plan C. Better to come up with a more convincing, or at least less trite, approach, though.

I could go on the offensive. Problem is I don’t know whom to attack. So I have to either address the e-mails head-on (if people end up reading them, they’ll find out “head-on” is John Kerry’s charming way of demanding fellatio; if I didn’t like him so much I’d have refused) or create a diversion of sufficient scale to drive the story out of the news.

On that score (twelve, not counting the pool boy in Chappaqua), the only thing I can think of is highlighting – or creating – the more egregious misdoings of somebody even bigger. I don’t flatter myself into thinking I’m the biggest; I’m no Donald Trump in that regard (and he has a TINY penis, by the way; half the size of Bill’s, at least as I remember. Haven’t actually seen Bill naked since before Chelsey was born. But I digress); I have no illusions about my relative importance in this country. But as humble as I might be (not nearly as humble as Senator McConnell’s taste in trashy motel rooms), I know the only person whose involvement in Ashley Madison would make a big enough splash to drown out media attention to mine is Barack Obama.

So, time to hack into a few databases. Anybody know how to use a computer?