Sucker! That Other Goat Gets Slaughtered While I Take A Nice Walk

By Azazel the Goat

Jerusalem, 10 Tishrei – It’s Yom Kippur, which means those Jews in their temple are doing that atonement thing. And it means I lucked out, because that other goat was just selected as an offering for the LORD, and I get to wear this red string on my horns and go gallivanting in the Judean Desert. Sucker!

It started with the High Priest, who drew two plaques of wood out of a special lottery box and pronounced the other goat “to the LORD.” I got the other one, but he didn’t say what was on it, which just means it wasn’t to be an offering. Score! The High Priest eventually leaned on me and said some sort of confession for all the people. That part was awkward – dude, I’m not a horse or donkey, OK? Didn’t they, like, give you a tutorial on livestock just yesterday morning so you’d know what to do today? Yeesh. Then some regular priest dude started walking me out the east gate, across the Kidron Valley, and into the wilderness. It’s gorgeous here. I am SO lucky I’m not going to end up slaughtered. Hard to think of anything worse.

Sure, the death might be quick, but then they flay and dismember you, and sprinkle or pour the blood they collected from your carotid arteries in various places. That other goat will already be dead by then and not care, but knowing I escaped that fate puts a little spring in my step. Hey look! There’s a little booth set up with water for me and the priest dude. Sweet. Dude, you’re not going to eat or drink? Whatevs. I’m not passing up this free water. Guess people can be suckers too.

This is a great day for a little desert hike. We’re headed in the general direction of that promontory over there. Must be an excellent view. Say, is that another refreshment booth? Yesss! This is definitely my lucky day. That other goat must be cursing his luck right now, if he’s even still alive. And this priest guy again declined the free food and drink. Must be some sort of ascetic weirdo.

Just as I thought, we’re headed up to the top of that jagged cliff, presumably for the awesome view. I’m so much better at this than the human they sent me with. He’s taking his sweet old time, clambering up these rocks, but I can just hop around. This is MY kind of country, human. Don’t you forget that. I’m boss in these parts. That’s right. You tie that red swatch of fabric between my horns. Show me the respect I deserve. I am ruler of all I survey from up here. We’re just gonna sit here for a while, right? Incredible view, just as I thought. Pretty nasty drop, though. A fall here would tear you limb from limb before you got halfway down. Hey, dude, what’s with the pushing? What are you doing? HEY WHAT THE