E. Jerusalem Cutco Salesman Can’t Believe His Good Timing

“I’m not surprised the Tel Aviv attack resulted in only light injuries to the four victims. That’s basically what you get when you settle for an inferior product.”

Credit: Hustvedt via Wikimedia Commons

Jerusalem, October 8 – Jamal Masri, 21, is effusive in describing his timing and good fortune, as his foray into direct-marketing of Cutco® brand knives has coincided with a Palestinian stabbing spree that increases local demand for his wares.

Masri throws around the term “hand of God” and “divine guidance” in describing the phenomenon, though he claims to be agnostic about religion. The senior at the Hebrew University originally entered the retail sales endeavor to help pay for his education, but the current spate of stabbings has him thinking bigger, perhaps even buying his own car or moving out of his parents’ house.

While at least one attacker relied on a screwdriver as his weapon, the recent Jerusalem stabbing attacks have involved bona fide cutlery, partly as a result of Hamas videos on YouTube that advise would-be stabbers on the selection of the proper implement for attempted murder. The insistence on the right weapon led to an uptick in business for Masri, whose American-made kitchen and camping knives boast such high quality that they come with a lifetime guarantee – and are priced accordingly. He declined to say how many customers have bought his knives to use as weapons, but did note that his stock was now depleted to the point that he had only poultry shears remaining. If the current pace of sales continues, he said, by tomorrow all orders would take at least several weeks to fill, since the knives are shipped from the Cutco facility in New York.

“If you contrast the quality of the outcome in today’s stabbing spree in Tel Aviv with that of last week’s double-homicide here in the Old City, the difference the blade manufacturer makes is clear as day,” noted Masri. “I’m not surprised the Tel Aviv attack resulted in only light injuries to the four victims. That’s basically what you get when you settle for an inferior product.”

“Now these kitchen knives,” he continued, gesturing as a sales brochure, “these babies will do the job and then some. They have full tang, which means no messy separation of the hilt from the blade, and the American steel blade is not going to just break off if the knife is suddenly or violently removed from whatever it’s stuck in, so the customer can continue using it with minimal effort. That is, provided you get the non-serrated variety. If you favor the serrated kind, then stabbing might not be the method of choice for your spree.”

“Would you like me to demonstrate what these poultry shears can do to a coin?” he asked. “They work just as well on fingers, I’m told.”