Jihadi John To Be Repeatedly Castrated By Laughing Foley, Sotloff

Allah Himself will also make an appearance or two, on which occasions the defendant will comprehend as never before the damage he has done to Creation.

Heaven, November 13 – The man known infamously to Westerners as Jihadi John has been sentenced in the heavenly tribunal to an eternity of ever-deepening pain and shame at the hands of his victims for his brutal and arrogant treatment of fellow human beings, the Supernal News Agency reported today.

Muhammad Emwazi, 27, gained notoriety for his video-recorded beheadings of journalists and other captives of the Islamic State while taunting and threatening the West. He was reportedly killed in a drone strike by the US military yesterday (Thursday), upon which Allah and His heavenly Court decreed that Emwazi, a Kuwaiti-born, UK-raised man, would spend forever being tormented and degraded by the people he tortured, mocked, and murdered. Specifically, the Court ordained that James Foley, Steven Sotloff, David Haines, and several other beheading victims would take turns painfully removing Emwazi’s genitals by various means as they and others laugh derisively at him for all time.

“We find the defendant guilty of multiple counts of denial of humanity to others, and as such condemn him to wallow in ever-more-profound physical and emotional suffering,” read the Court’s ruling. “As punishment, Emwazi, AKA ‘Jihadi John’ will spend the rest of Existence having his penis and/or testicles severed, crushed, mangled, burned, lacerated, corroded, dissolved, pierced, shot, exploded, or otherwise painfully destroyed, an experience to be repeated each moment from now until the end of the existence of the human soul.”

“With each instance of castration,” continued the statement, “the pain and shame of the defendant will increase exponentially as the deepening sense of his own evil takes greater hold of his psyche. To enhance this process, the ones to administer the sentence will be those whom the defendant himself treated with murderous disrespect: Steven Sotloff, David Haines, James Foley, Alan Henning, Peter Kassig, Haruna Yukawa, Kenji Goto, and a number of Syrian soldiers (names in attached list).” The ruling noted that, in addition to the acts of castration by increasingly brutal and gory means, Emwazi’s victims would laugh at his suffering.

A spokesman for the Heavenly Tribunal said that the constant presence of Emwazi’s victims will only be one aspect of the shame. “The Prophet will make an occasional visit to the torture chamber to join in the derisive laughter and drive home to the defendant the extent to which his behavior perverted Islam.” said Archangel Gabriel. “And if He so pleases, Allah Himself will also make an appearance or two, on which occasions the defendant will comprehend as never before the damage he has done to Creation.”

Gabriel noted that the ruling takes into account some good deeds that Emwazi performed during his life. “When he was nineteen, the defendant rebuked some friends for torturing a stray cat. That moment stood to his credit during the sentencing, and as such the roster of castration methods will not include having them toyed with and ultimately torn apart by a cat.”