Syrian Civilian Deaths Surprise Russia: Thought None Were Left

A spokesman cited recently released American statistics purporting to show that US strikes had killed 20,000 ISIS fighters and not a single civilian.

Moscow, November 30 – A spokesman for the Russian Air Force (VVS) expressed surprise today when informed that VVS strikes had killed dozens of Syrian civilians, as he had been under the impression that Basher Assad had gotten rid of all the civilians already.

Colonel Vassiliy Sadjestyin reacted with disbelief when asked about reports that Russian airstrikes in Syria yesterday killed several families, saying that no such deaths were possible after Assad had spent more than four years killing or driving away all the Syrian noncombatants. Of a prewar population of about 20 million, more than 300,000 Syrians have been killed and millions more displaced and rendered refugees. Colonel Sadjestyin admonished the reporter to recheck her sources, since, as he insisted, it was highly unlikely that many total civilians were even in Syria.

“I find that report hard to believe,” said the colonel. “For one thing, Assad has used chemical weapons, barrel bombs, Scud missiles, artillery, strafing, large-scale executions, torture, and who knows what other methods to rid the country of civilians. He’s been at it for four and a half years. Granted, he’s also had help from the folks in ISIS in that respect, but the point is, how can there be any civilians left by now for our airstrikes to kill?”

To support his assertion that no civilians were around to be harmed, the VVS spokesman cited recently released American statistics purporting to show that US Air Force and Navy airstrikes had killed 20,000 ISIS fighters and not a single civilian. “That is simply an impossible figure, given what we know about the certainty of collateral damage – unless it has been established that there are in fact no civilians in the vicinity, which as been our operating assumption since we began conducting these strikes.”

When presented with other evidence that the Russian strikes had indeed killed civilians, Colonel Sadjestyin insisted the civilians in question could not be Syrian. “The Syrian civilians have all left for Europe, Lebanon, Turkey, and Jordan,” he said. “They’re not our problem. If the unfortunate victims of these strikes were really civilians as claimed, they were likely planted there by Turkey, who, as we all know by now, seeks to undermine the fight against the terrorists so it can keep buying Islamic State oil and use ISIS to check Kurdish ambitions toward independence.”

Alternatively, suggested the colonel, the civilians in question were Palestinians classified perpetually as refugees by the UN, and who are not allowed to leave Syria for the relative safety of neighboring Arab countries. “Given the way their Arab brethren treat them, it’s disingenuous to expect Russia to view them as worthy of consideration.”