Archaeologists Unearth Evidence US Presidents Once Had Balls

To the modern ear, the notion of a US president with balls strikes a dissonant chord.

Washington, December 2 – Researchers excavating in the US capital have discovered what they say are indications that there was a period in the distant past during which the chief executive of the American government had balls, the group announced today.

A team of archaeologists with the University of Maryland is conducting a comprehensive dig to help complete the picture of US presidential administrations in days of yore. During the course of the excavations, the group encountered tantalizing anatomical signs that years ago, at least two American presidents had grown a pair, team leader Cass Trayshin told reporters.

“We still have much evidence to examine, but preliminary indications are that once upon a time, the highest office in the country was occupied at various points by individuals – it could be more than the two we have evidence for right now – who were in full possession of what we archaeologists, in our technical jargon, call cojones,” she explained. “What we’ve seen anatomically is really only one part of the picture, which is rounded out by behavioral evidence in keeping with presidents who actually have balls.”

Trayshin noted that to the modern ear, the notion of a US president with balls strikes a dissonant chord. “It’ not something we’re used to, for sure,” she said in answer to a reporter’s question. “In the contemporary context, a president is someone who repeatedly shrinks from global responsibility, fails to enforce red lines that he drew himself, concedes strategic defeat to dangerous enemies, and abandons longtime allies. But we’re becoming increasingly convinced that in years past, maybe no too long ago, the most powerful man in the world had a set of actual testicles, and acted accordingly.”

If confirmed, the findings would authenticate elements of American folklore that evoke such a time, says University of Chicago Professor of Archaeology Eppie Didymus, who is not involved in the excavations. “There are snippets of old-time rhetoric preserved in some portions of society that make sense in the context of a chief executive with balls,” she said. “From short statement such as ‘Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!’ and ‘We have nothing to fear but fear itself’ to longer passages in popular lore such as the one beginning with, ‘Four score and seven years ago,’ there’s no question America once prized leaders with balls. The association of specific names in this regard might be helpful, and I anticipate such data when it becomes available.”