Fistfight At Elders Of Zion Over Whose Turn To Enslave Muslims Today

Administrators stressed that no diabolical plans were compromised as a result of the fracas.

Tel Aviv, December 3 – Rival members of the International Zionist Conspiracy came to blows this morning over who had reserved today’s session overseeing the subjugation and enslavement of the world’s Muslim population, witnesses reported.

Four people present when the altercation began related that a scheduling glitch had resulted in two Elders signing up for the same time slot. After a sharp exchange of words, reported the onlookers, one struck the other with his cash-filled attache case, and the other retaliated by scratching his opponent’s face with his Rolex. The two began scuffling, and the fight lasted more than three minutes before other Elders and their aides were able to pry them apart. Both required medical treatment, and an emergency backup was called in to handle the morning’s enslavement operations.

Kalman Bankirer, an aide to one of the combatants, was the first one to reach the combating Elders. “They were going at it pretty fiercely,” he recalled. “One had his arm around the other’s neck, while the other guy was elbowing him in the stomach. I got a knee in my side when I tried to pull them apart. It took three other guys to stop them. I haven’t seen anything like this since the fiasco that led to Bush winning the 2000 election.” In that episode, a bitter former operative undermined the organization’s plans to install a Jew as the US Vice President, by manipulating the Supreme Court to stop the pivotal Florida vote recount, allowing George W. Bush to claim victory.

Steven Spielberg, who happened to be visiting a colleague at Elders of Zion regional headquarters, was called upon to manage Thursday’s enslavement efforts, forcing him to cancel meetings with various other Hollywood figures. “I was supposed to have lunch with Jeff Katzenberg and Dave Geffen, but they understood when I canceled,” he said. “Jeff and Dave took turns here last week, and they know how important it is to contribute to ongoing corruption, weakening, and conquest of the Muslims as only we media types know how, so it wasn’t a big deal.”

Administrators stressed that no plans were compromised as a result of the fracas, and both parties to the fistfight had been disciplined. “We made it clear that continued world domination cannot be achieved through petty confrontations,” explained Inner Council Secretary Evelina de Rothschild. “That is the kind of behavior we aim to produce in Muslim groups, the better to distract, divide, and emasculate them. In an Elder of Zion it is quite unbecoming.”

De Rothschild declined to specify the disciplinary measures imposed on the rival Elders, but an aide to one of them let slip that his boss’s predatory lending privileges had been suspended for two months.