Only Immigrants And Terrorists Need To Pee

By Donald Trump, terrific, amazing billionaire

We have to make America great again. Vote for me to become president and we’ll get there faster than you can say, “Multiple bankruptcies.” It’ll be amazing. You’ll never need to pee again. Only immigrants and terrorists need to pee. Real Americans can control themselves.

That’s what upset me so about Hillary Clinton’s extended bathroom break during the debate last week. If she had cultivated real loyalty to this country, as she claims, she would be able to shut down that urinary system  – just shut that thing down – and give the American people the respect they deserve. So I find it suspicious, to say the least, that she chose not only to make everybody wait – my time is expensive and valuable, you know – but do so by performing an act that, in retrospect, shouldn’t have surprised anyone who’s had a look at the Benghazi files, the way I have. My investigators cannot believe what they’re finding there.

But all that will come to an end when I’m elected chief executive. Forget banning Muslims from entering the country – that was a poorly-thought-out idea that just kind of squirted out. My fantastic idea involves revoking the citizenship of anyone who has to pee. And anyone who wants to live in the country will be given a bladder test. If you have to pee after a certain amount of time, sorry, we won’t accept you. It’ll be terrific. We’ll just bar them, and if they can’t hold their pee, they can’t hold office. Dangerous things happen when you allow people to urinate.

The benefits of this policy should be evident. With no one who needs to pee, we can dedicate wasted toilet space to important matters – say, a new casino hotel with the name “Trump” emblazoned across the front. Or museums dedicated to Civil War battles that only happened where I say they did. And all that annoying environmental regulation of waste water can be done away with. It will be the greatest.

Our founding fathers didn’t spend their days on the toilet. They didn’t even have toilets – the whole notion of indoor plumbing is new, which shows you how we’ve become a nation of wimps. We have to get back to a time when men were real men, and I didn’t have to encounter the idea of other people’s bodily fluids. A vote for me is a vote against pee.

The rest of you America-haters can literally piss off.