Scholars Yet To Find Act That Has Anything To Do With Islam

“Despite nearly three years of research, we have nothing to show for our efforts.”

Stockholm, January 13 – Experts in religion are still looking for an act that with confidence can be said to be characteristic of, or attributable to, Islam, academic sources said today.

Theologians and researchers at the Royal Academy of Sweden issued an update on their multi-year scholarly effort, a collaborative project with spiritual leaders, scholars of religion, and other knowledgeable persons throughout the world, to find evidence that even a single mode of behavior has some inherent connection to the Islamic faith. A spokesman for the group announced that while several potential leads had emerged early on, the group’s optimism had begun to fade as repeated efforts to find such an act came to naught.

“Continually, we have encountered behaviors among Muslims that clearly have nothing to do with Islam,” said Jürgen Regretdat, a theology professor with the Royal Academy. “That list of course includes misogyny, rape, terrorism, murder, genital cutting, stoning of adulterers, homophobia, and antisemitism, but we were intrigued by the notion that some phenomena, at least, should have something to do with Islam, and set about trying to identify such phenomena. Unfortunately, despite nearly three years of research, we have nothing to show for our efforts.”

Initial scholarship focused on various ritual practices such as the beheading of infidels, but that was quickly dismissed as irrelevant. “With the axiomatic assumption that Islam is the Religion of Peace, any behavior we attempt to link to it must ipso facto be congruent with that assumption,” explained Regretdat. “We soon discovered just how many apparently solid connections between behaviors and Islam fell afoul of that axiom, and thus demonstrated we had stumbled on some coincidental association. This happened over and over again: with jihad, conquest, mass murder, oppression of religious minorities, incitement to commit murder, the jizya tax, Quranic and Hadith statements in support of genocide, you name it. It proved intensely frustrating. We’re beginning to doubt Islam is a factor in anyone’s behavior anywhere, in any manner.”

Observers note the contrast between the findings, or lack thereof, regarding Islam, and the established characteristics of other groups. “We’ve seen any number of inherent characteristics among, say, right-wing Israelis,” said commentator Margot Wallstrom. “And you just know that if an Israeli pulls a trigger, it’s an extrajudicial execution. That’s a noticeable contrast. Also, if an Arab or Muslim does happen to commit a crime, while it obviously has nothing to do with being Arab or Muslim, it just as obviously is the direct result of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Which has nothing to do with Islam, of course.”

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