Supervillain Concerned Hamas Tunnels Getting Near His Underground Lair

“I hope I don’t need to cause anymore tunnel collapses. The one last week was only because they got too close.”

Hamas terrorists infiltrate Israel through tunnels in order to stage deadly attacks

800 meters underground somewhere near Suja’iya, February 1 – A criminal mastermind who maintains a secret facility far below Earth’s surface voiced worry today that continued Hamas digging in the area might expose his clandestine headquarters.

The Dark Mole, whose evil superpowers include the ability to see even in pitch-black environments and a special talent for creating machinery to dig elaborate networks of underground warrens, said Monday that the militant movement governing the Gaza Strip had twice come close to damaging one of his lair’s passageways by excavating too close.

“I took tremendous precautions when I designed this place years ago,” explained the villain. “My base, which I like to call Ground Minus Zero, has enough room for me to store all the money and valuables that I steal, enough space for me to relax as I plan my next evil scheme, and just the right number of tunnels to confuse an intruder but not so many that maintenance is too much of a hassle.”

All that has changed now that Hamas has been digging ever-deeper tunnels with which to infiltrate into Israel, he complained. “The reinforcements I installed in my facility are more than adequate to the task of accounting for normal seismic movements. But a couple of times in the last few months Hamas brought in heavy digging equipment, with pneumatic drills, that caused some serious shaking in part of the complex. I haven’t seen any of the hideout’s structural integrity compromised, but that might only be a matter of time.”

For years, the Dark Mole has used his underground aptitudes to tunnel into otherwise secure facilities and make off with millions of dollars in jewelry, art, antiques, and cash. While much of the artwork and antiques cannot be safely sold, the supervillain also brings in a plethora of untraceable cash and other valuables that finance his nefarious efforts. Occasionally, to sow confusion and escape detection, the Dark Mole will trigger an earthquake somewhere in the world, a tactic that he admits gives him some amusement when Israel is inevitably blamed.

“I have nothing against Hamas – I sympathize with their unapologetic devotion to self-absorbed, self-righteous greed masquerading as epic evil,” he declared. “But I hope I don’t need to cause anymore tunnel collapses. The one last week was only because they got too close, and this is a distraction I didn’t anticipate when I built the place. If I end up having to abandon this lair, as I did my arctic fortress once climate change kicked in, I’m going to be really upset.”