Trump Clearly More Virtuous, Pious Than Pope

“Mr. Trump has demonstrated that our elaborate headgear, indicating religious authority, is no match for that… thing on his head.”

Rome, February 27 – Officials in the Roman Catholic Church admitted today that Republican Party frontrunner for the presidential nomination evidently shows greater religious conviction and devotion than Pope Francis, Vatican sources are reporting.

Holy See Secretary Father Fassie Schüss told reporters Saturday morning that while Francis has made a career of support and solidarity for the downtrodden, real estate magnate and reality TV personality Donald Trump has outdone him in that respect, as the latter has shown an ability beyond that of the pope to show true solidarity with racists, bigots, morons, and the perpetually angry.

The news came after Francis made comments last week disapproving of Trump’s attitudes on immigration, saying they do not square with Church teachings on kindness, following which the candidate questioned the propriety of the pontiff’s criticizing someone’s religious beliefs. Father Schüss said that moment indicated to Church officials that Trump might actually be more knowledgeable and righteous than Francis, whose infallibility on matters of Church doctrine has long been accepted.

“It was a real eye-opener,” said the priest. “It made us consider things we hadn’t thought of before. For example, it never occurred to us that a man who has so far divorced two women, in clear contrast to Catholic sensibilities, might have something to teach us. But lo and behold, Mr. Trump has demonstrated that our elaborate headgear, indicating religious authority, is no match for that… thing on his head. He obviously carries greater weight in such matters than we do.”

Other papal officials revealed their own moments of discovery that Trump out-religions Pope Francis. “This past week the Donald actually said, ‘I love the poorly educated,’ recalled Father Amgonna Facepalm. “That level of honesty regarding his intention to manipulate a entire class of people puts the Church as a whole, and not just one pope, to shame. When was the last time you heard a Roman Catholic religious official – or one from any major spiritual community for that matter – be so forthright about the exploitation of ignorance among followers? What fools we’ve been, running tens of thousands of educational institutions and programs all over the world.”

Facepalm did note that in a least one area, the Roman Catholic Church still has a higher level of achievement than Trump. “We own more real estate in New York City alone than all of his properties combined,” he said. “But I won’t go so far as to claim we accomplish more positive results with those assets than he with his. No one has ever gambled away his life savings by giving our organizations tithes, so we clearly do not present the same level of spiritual appeal that his properties do.”