Nasrallah Threatens To Hit Data Facility, Expose Your Browser History

Israeli antimissile defense systems are very effective, but no system is perfect.

Haifa, March 3 – Israeli defense officials urged calm after Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah threatened to attack data-storage units here with rockets, which would release your browser history to the public, jeopardizing reputations and possibly lives.

Ministry of Defense spokesman Incogni Tomod reassured the public that their data was safe for the time being, but that as a precaution you might want to go through your browser history and delete the pages you would rather not have everyone know you visited. He also suggested setting up a new identity and having a backup life somewhere else under a different name in case the attack does happen and you are forced to become someone else to avoid the shame.

“In the assessment of the Home Front Command and military intelligence, Hezbollah does not have the resources to sustain even a medium-term conflict with us, but that does not mean we may remain complacent,” he said. “Just to be on the safe side, you would be wise to make arrangements to permanently disappear from your current social and professional context at a moment’s notice on the off chance that such an attack does occur, and your browser history is leaked.”

Hezbollah is currently still heavily engaged in the Syrian Civil War and cannot currently afford to open a second front against Israel on Lebanon’s southern border, but the situation is in flux, say military analysts, and the wisest course of action involves preparing for the eventuality of your browser history becoming public knowledge.

“Obviously the first step is to remove direct evidence from your device or computer,” explained tech consultant Proxi Cerver. “But of course that means you’re only removing the data that’s stored on your end. Your computer interacts with a server, perhaps a series of them, and part of the data they store includes the record of your site visits, inclding the ones you’d rather people not know about. Israeli antimissile defense systems are very effective, but no system is perfect, and you need to brace yourself in case a missile strike does succeed in penetrating those defenses and breaking open the data storage facility, releasing your history.”

Cerver also suggested alterations to your current browsing habits to avoid further risk of compromise. “Nobody really needs to visit that many sites purveying goat porn, or clips of old people having fistfights in the nursing home cafeteria,” she noted. “Personally, though, what freaks me out the most is those recipes. Banana-broccoli ice cream? Really?”