Study Suggests It Was Jew- Er, Zionists Who Let The Dogs Out

We’re not antisemitic, we swear.

Haifa, March 5 – New investigations into an inquiry first raised in the late 1990’s may indicate that the release of canines by previously unknown parties was in fact perpetrated by conspiring Jews- we mean Zionists, Haifa University researchers reported today.

Scientists first began to examine who let the dogs out in 1998, in a series of studies that eventually achieved international prominence in 2000 and sparked similar, related inquiries. However, no conclusive evidence was found at the time to enable the original researchers to provide a satisfactory answer. Now a group from Haifa University claims to have arrived at such a conclusion, and names several prominent Zionists as the most likely culprits in the episode. Not Jews. We’re not antisemitic, we swear.

Professor Baham Enn and a team of postdoctoral researchers examined the available data from the several existing studies and performed a meta-analysis, and are set to publish their findings in an article in next month’s issue of the statistical journal Mutt. The authors contend that all of the studies, which were conducted in the Caribbean more than fifteen years ago, share features that support, or at least are consistent with, Zionist involvement in the release of the dogs, and don’t you dare suggest we’re antisemitic even though the evidence is we merely did a find-and-replace on the word “Jew” in our research.

“The most important piece of evidence is the basic similarity everyone knows exists between Je- Zionists, I said Zionists, and dogs,” explained Enn. “Descriptions of capitalists as dogs go back more than a hundred years, and we all know who runs the world capitalist system: those hook-nosed, money-grubbing Christ-killers. How could you possibly think I meant anyone but ‘Zionists’??”

“An examination of the data also bears out the identification based on the overt sexual connotations of much of the data,” she continued. “As everyone knows, there’s one population with a reputation for seeking the sexual defilement of non-Jewish women: Zionists. Am I right, or am I right?”

Other researchers sounded a more cautious note. “You have to be much more careful now than in the old days with this sort of thing,” noted University of Berlin professor Joe Goebbels. “There are political sensitivities in play that require a different presentation of the data and conclusions. I recommend that Professor Enn and her colleagues hold off on publishing their research until after they have had the opportunity to expunge any implication that they mean Zionists per se, and not a similar population it might be unwise to name directly.”

“I’m disappointed they didn’t realize such an obvious thing at the outset,” he added. “It’s such a no-brainer, even my pet dachshund, Kike, could tell you that.”