Flesh Of Palestinian Children Makes A Superior Hamantasch Filling

By Anne London, Jewish cuisine expert

Jerusalem, March 23 – Just in time for Purim, I’m here to share with you some Secrets of the Zionist Kitchen, the only program that uses the clandestine strategies and pursuits of the infamous Jewish cabal to improve your cooking.

First, we must dispel some myths. Not all Jewish cooking is Zionist cooking. Jellied calves’ feet? Nope. Gefilte fish? Only if it has bones. Hamantaschen? Well, dyed-in-the-wool Zionists don’t call them by such a Diaspora-inspired name, nor do they settle for sweetened poppy-seed paste as the filling. If you really want to wow the recipients of your goodies this year, you’ll need a smidgen of the flesh of Palestinian children, available wherever fine Zionist products are sold. A dollop of Palestine Paste – my preferred label, but you can use Pâté des Palestiniens or some other brand if you like – and your “muhn” filling will blow away anyone else’s. Figuratively. The flesh of Palestinian children makes a far superior filling for your hamantaschen than the boring old standbys.

Authentic Zionist cooking means not compromising on the source of your secret ingredients. The more nefarious, the better – kind of an inversion of the “free trade” or “ethically-sourced” certifications flooding the consumer markets. If in the Middle Ages the worst one could do was use the blood of a Christian child, Christians as victims have fallen out of fashion, and the ultimate victims in the world’s eye are the Palestinians – so naturally, the peak of Zionist cooking ingredient impressiveness must involve just enough use of Palestinian children’s flesh to horrify, but not so much as to violate good taste. You’re not a dyed-in-the-wool Zionist unless the dye you use on your wool is actually the blood of (ontologically) innocent Palestinians, preferably children, but don’t overdo it.

That being the case, reserve the use of Palestinian children flesh for the poppy-seed-filled hamantaschen, and feel free to add a bit to your apricot- or prune-filled offerings; but under no circumstances should you adulterate chocolate with those flavor elements. For chocolate, use only the finest, most exploitatively-produced variety you can get your hands on, and mix in only some sugar – unless you can get your hands on the shame of a Palestinian family, which can only be obtained by causing a female member thereof to arouse suspicions of inappropriate liaisons, and being there at the right moment to capture it. As a result, the male members of her family then kill her to restore their honor, but that is merely the icing on the cake. While the phenomenon is hardly rare, it takes special talent and timing to obtain the coveted shame, and it is often only available via special order from the Zionist Food Cooperative and other specialty enterprises.

So roll out that dough, and don’t forget to add the flesh of Palestinian children to the filling for that unique Purim flavor. Join me next time for a look at what Palestinian blood types to look for in your Passover matza to pair with what Seder meal dishes.