Abbas’s Butt Tastes Better Than Netanyahu’s

By Shelly Yechimovich, Labor Party

It’s been a trying couple of weeks for the Labor Party in Israel, but we are about to put this chapter behind us, for better or for worse. As I write these words the leader of our party, Buji Herzog, has not ruled out joining the Netanyahu government, and I, for one, have had enough of our chairman licking Bibi’s backside. Abu Mazen’s tastes much better.

The constant pursuit of seats around Netanyahu’s coalition table became so undignified as to make some of us Laborites question our party’s path. Is this where Herzog was leading us, to kiss the tuchus of a right-wing prime minister just for the pretense of wielding some power? Many of us might bolt from the party if he decides to join the government – because ministerial posts or no ministerial posts, we’re much more enamored with licking the wrinkled old anus of Mahmoud Abbas than Netanyahu’s hairy butthole. It’s a matter of ideology as well as taste.

Israel’s electorate, as well, deserves an alternative to the Likud-led, no-Abbas-butt-licking, no-Obama-butt-licking recklessness of our current prime minister. We must follow the path of the late, legendary Yitzhak Rabin, who sent Shimon Peres and Yosi Beilin to lick Arafat’s butt again and again. Although he was not a Labor politician, Ehud Olmert showed great courage in deep-kissing Abbas’s posterior, as well, and deserves recognition for that. How disappointed we are to discover that our own party chairman is considering similar abasement not before the leader of a terrorist organization bent on our destruction, but our own elected head of government! Labor members of conscience have all been shocked.

That is why the time has come for Buji Herzog to step down. Only that way can this Opposition function properly, and get back to the business of sucking on Abu Mazen’s rectum – when he permits it. Sometimes that privilege is reserved for Meretz and Joint List lawmakers, but with the right stewardship, this party can again be in position – on our knees, specifically – to perform mouth-to-mouth on Abbas’s lower sphincter. I believe our voters would not settle for anything else.

But whether or not we oust Herzog, this party must come together, lest we further embarrass ourselves. Who will take us seriously anymore if, after this debacle, we cannot agree on how best to apply tongue and lips to the derriere in Ramallah? Only if we learn how to kneel together before the right people can we ever hope to have the Europeans deign to let us lick THEIR backsides.