Incoming Defense Minister Has Never Denied Eating Palestinian Children

“I have never seen Liberman in the same room as the infamously bloodthirsty Vlad Dracula.”

Jerusalem, May 20 – Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu is expected to announce in the next day or two that he has appointed as Minister of Defense a man who has never, according to media records, denied feasting on the bodies of Palestinian boys and girls as a weekly ritual.

Yisrael Beiteinu chairman Avigdor Liberman will replace Moshe Yaalon, who resigned today, as part of the agreement covering the addition of Liberman’s party to the governing coalition. The Soviet-born party leader is often described as ultranationalist, a term that ignores his stated willingness to leave the settlement he inhabits in exchange for real peace with the Palestinians – but that also does nothing to negate or refute the idea that he regularly dines on the flesh of helpless Palestinian youths, a claim he has never addressed.

Activists and commentators expressed outrage that such a man could be placed in charge of Israel’s largest government apparatus, with a budget exceeding 70 billion shekels. “I have never seen Liberman in the same room as the infamously bloodthirsty Vlad Dracula, and that already raised my suspicions,” charged Amnesty International contributor Jacob Burns, referring to a medieval aristocrat of notorious brutality who lent his name to the title character in Bram Stoker’s nineteenth-century novel about a vampire. “Forget trafficking in Palestinian organs; this guy would eat them with fava beans and a Chianti – I mean, he’s never denied that he does that all the time, basically every night, right? And he speaks Romanian. Need I say more?”

Palestinian officials and citizens, in addition to calling the appointment clear evidence that Israel is not interested in a peaceful resolution of the century-old conflict, voiced fears that Liberman would augment various genocidal programs that have resulted in the brutal and accelerated increase of their population since 1967. “Since 1948 the Palestinian Arab population in areas now controlled by Israel has decreased from about 700,000 to a mere five or six million  – and no one has ever testified that Liberman has no cannibalistic habits that contribute to that phenomenon,” declared Bassem Tamimi, Palestinian activist.

A similar suspicious lack of negative testimony persists regarding the incoming minister not personally causing dozens of deaths of Arabs in car accidents every year. “We have no statistics showing that Mr. Liberman did not personally grab the steering wheels of all those vehicles and cause them to hit pedestrians, other vehicles, or stationary objects,” noted Peace Now director Yariv Oppenheimer. “The guy is a disaster happening – or at least we have no direct evidence for his not being a disaster happening, as we might expect if he were truly innocent of this behavior.”

He contrasted the evidence regarding Liberman with Hamas and its alleged war crimes, of which geological studies show no evidence.