Samson Nearly Takes Jawbone From BBC Reporter Instead Of An Ass

“It was an understandable mix-up,” said a spokesangel for the supernal realms.

Lehi, Dan tribal territory, May 22 – A fearsome Israelite warrior facing a large number of Philistine fighters was unable to tell the difference between a donkey and a journalist with the British Broadcasting Corporation, and as a result almost severed part of the man’s skull before divine intervention redirected him toward the jawbone of an ass lying on the ground, witnesses reported.

Samson the son of Manoah, of the tribe of Dan, came upon an encampment of hostile Philistines, and was gripped by the spirit of the Lord, enabling him to slay a thousand of them using nothing more than the jawbone of an ass. However, immediately before picking up the bone, the warrior first approached a BBC correspondent and attempted to grab the jawbone of the reporter and use it as a weapon. The divine spirit stopped Samson at the last moment from seizing the man’s jaw, and instead showed him where the ass’s jawbone lay.

“It was an understandable mix-up,” said a spokesangel for the supernal realms. “Most prophets understand their visions and inspiration more clearly, but sometimes the comprehension is not the finest. Fortunately, we were able to clarify what Samson was supposed to use in time to spare the reporter’s life.” The angel reassured inquirers that an examination will take place as to why BBC correspondents and asses seem interchangeable.

As a result of the incident, the BBC ran a story on anti-media violence perpetrated by the Israelites, and used Philistine Health Ministry statistics in reporting the incident, such that the BBC’s audience was told that 3,500 Philistines, including children and other noncombatants, were slain. Samson documented a thousand Philistine casualties, all soldiers, but the BBC, Reuters, CNN, Guardian, MSNBC, and Times of London made no mention of the lower figure and the military bona fides of the casualties.

Human rights organizations denounced the Israelites for a disproportionate response to oppression. “We suspect a war crime has been committed, if not several,” said Jacob Burns of Amnesty International. “First, a member of the press was assaulted, which is an explicit violation. Then an Israelite killed a large number of Philistines, even though this was not a military necessity, and the combatant status of all the casualties had not been established in advance.”

Samson was dismissive of the charges, saying he did not see any distinction at all between the BBC and an ass, only that he decided the larger specimen would better suit his combat purposes.