Man Insists You Take Bible Literally So He Can Disprove Your Religion

“Back in the day, nobody ever used ‘day’ to mean anything other than a twenty-four hour period.”

Minneapolis, May 26 – Local computer technician David Borders knows your belief system is untenable because your holy scriptures can only be understood literally, area sources reported today.

Borders, 31, has concluded that the only acceptable approach to Biblical analysis is to take each sentence in its strictest translation and interpretation, and that any understanding that takes into account figurative language, metaphor, or poetic devices can be safely disregarded. The divorced father of one explained that since the easiest way to dismiss Bible-based faith is to show the inherent contradictions, ahistoricity, and unreliability of the text is to use only the most literal interpretation, it follows that Biblical literalism is the only valid approach.

“Don’t try to explain away the seven days of creation as some metaphor, or some non-literal use of the word ‘day,'” insisted Borders. “That’s a cop-out. Back in the day, nobody ever used ‘day’ to mean anything other than a twenty-four hour period.”

“And don’t go telling me it’s possible to look at the first two chapters of Genesis and say the conflicting accounts of creation don’t disprove the whole thing,” he added. “Since when is it possible to hold two conflicting ideas in one’s mind at the same time?” continued Borders, who continues to have a love-hate relationship with his ex-wife. “You’re just trying to confuse the issue if you adopt some pie-in-the-sky idea of using an existing idiom in the culture to convey a larger idea – you won’t even get to first base with me an approach like that.”

Borders’ acquaintances report that he makes a compelling case for only accepting the literal, and therefore intellectually questionable, understanding of the Biblical text. “Obviously, since debunking religious belief is a value in his life, he pursues it, and follows the approach that best facilitates the debunking,” said Erica Strawman, a neighbor. “Basically, since religion has been such a major player in intolerance, David won’t tolerate interpretations of the Bible that showcase anything but intolerance.”

“You have to keep an open mind,” mused Borders. “I can’t stand when people adhere to beliefs without allowing into their awareness any information that disturbs their oh-so-perfect picture of reality. That’s what I’m fighting against. People have to understand where things lead. If the authors of the Bible were anywhere near as intelligent as they’re made out to be, they’d know everything has to make literal sense to be acceptable. I guess you could say this is a crusade of mine.”