Ministry Of Health Warns Don’t Be That Guy

Hundreds are injured annually as a result of people being That Guy.

Jerusalem, May 28 – Increasing public health dangers have prompted the Ministry of Health to issue a warning to individual Israelis not to be That Guy, a ministry spokesman said today.

At a press conference this morning, Deputy Director-General for Public Health Policy Giora Nimbasil told reporters that a confluence of numerous unpleasant and dangerous phenomena required immediate action to prevent disaster in the public sphere, and that the ministry is therefore embarking on a public relations campaign to raise awareness of the dangers to oneself and others when one is That Guy.

“Scattered admonishments not to be That Guy have appeared with some frequency in rhetoric accessible to the public sphere, but that does not guarantee a level of awareness that would prevent an epidemic of people being That Guy,” said Nimbasil. “So our new campaign will focus on reaching people unlikely to have been properly warned of the dangers of being That Guy. In the process, of course, we will reach those who already know not to be That Guy, but whose vigilance in that respect will be enhanced by the reminder.”

Nimbasil noted that even if one person is prevented from being That Guy as a result of the Don’t Be That Guy campaign, it will be worth it. “Often, the person being That Guy is endangering the lives of others,” he noted. “Being That Guy carries a strong correlation with selfish behavior on the road, for example, where the stakes are high. In general, avoidance of being That Guy will promote general societal welfare by the resulting decrease in asshattery, irresponsibility, and creating a public nuisance.”

According to Central Bureau of Statistics data, dozens of people are killed annually, and hundreds injured, as a result of people being That Guy. Additionally, the Bureau estimates that the economy loses more than ten billion shekels each year from the upheaval, delays, waste, and repairs that inevitably occur when someone is That Guy.

Minister of Finance Moshe Kahlon warned the Ministry of Health that it might receive a reduced budget allocation if the Don’t Be That Guy program goes forward, saying that during the previous budget process, the line under which the Health Ministry seeks to fund the initiative is earmarked for a different campaign, and any attempt to divert funds from one line to another would violate proper administrative procedures. In the budget, the program to be launched is called Please Don’t Be That Guy, which contains an additional word and appears differently in an alphabetical list.

“Seriously?” wondered Nimbasil. “Seriously? Oh my God, Kahlon, please don’t be That Guy.”