Assad Furious Olympic Firing Squad Unable To Compete In Rio

Trainers and staff with the Syrian firing squad team have been practicing intensively for years, often gunning down hundreds of people a week.

Damascus, May 30 – Syrian President Basher Assad is reportedly fuming at a decision of the International Olympic Committee not to recognize execution by firing squad as an Olympic sport for this year’s set of contests, scheduled for August in Brazil.

Assad had hoped to showcase his country’s firing squad on the biggest stage in international sports, but the IOC issued a ruling today that the inclusion of execution by firing squad in an Olympiad will happen no sooner than 2020, possibly 2024. Aides to the president said he was considering retaliatory steps against the IOC, but remains wary of measures that might alienate allies with vested interests in the Committee, such as Russia.

Trainers and staff with the Syrian firing squad team have been practicing intensively for years, often gunning down hundreds of people a week. A member of the squad told PreOccupied Territory that he and his teammates were looking forward with a mixture of anticipation and curiosity to the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, but now all the preparation appears to be for naught.

“I can’t tell you how many magazines I’ve emptied into the bodies of regime opponents and their relatives, friends, neighbors, business associates, and old schoolmates, getting in shape for Rio,” said Shoudhim Shoudhim, 30, a squad leader. “We were all looking forward to finding out who the targets would be for the Olympics – does Brazil have many political prisoners? Would they import them from Guatemala? Venezuela? Or would we have to bring our own? We have plenty.”

As a result of the IOC’s decision, however, Shoudhim will likely remain in Syria this summer, and instead of executing prisoners in sunny Rio, he and his team will be doing so in sunny Aleppo, Damascus, and possibly Raqqa.

Members of Syria’s Olympic committee voiced disappointment that their firing squad would not be able to face off against those of other nations. “There’s a friendly rivalry that has sprung up between us and the Islamic State over who has a more proficient, prolific set of firing squads,” said Syrian Olympic official Rehdi Emfaher. “I was expecting to be able to settle that little dispute this summer.”

All hope is not lost for Syrian Olympic aspirations, though, as the country is putting together a team for the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea, to compete in the biathlon event. The cross-country-skiing-and-shooting event is unlikely to need human targets, but for the Syrians, those are the most readily available type for use in training.