Islamic Martyrs Seem Disappointed With 72 White Grapes

“For the eternal life of me, I can’t fathom where the confusion lies, and what else they might have expected.”

Paradise, May 31 – Supernal sources are reporting that recent arrivals in the Islamic Martyrs Pavilion in Heaven are expressing bewilderment and disappointment at the delights that they were given as promised for battling the infidel.

Archangels and their aides told reporters this week that since approximately 1980, an increasing number of shaheeds, or holy martyrs, who entered Heaven by virtue of fighting non-believers and other enemies of Islam, appear confused and angry that they receive seventy-two white grapes, a rare delicacy on Earth. The huri, as the term appears in Arabic, is the reward guaranteed by Muhammad to all who give their lives for Islamic causes – but the last two or three generations of shaheeds seem unimpressed.

Archangel Gabriel was the first to notice the trend. “We have guys sitting around, supposed to be enjoying everlasting bliss, but there’s this obvious undercurrent of resentment that rears its head every time one of our Islamic martyrs is offered huri,” he explained. “It’s what they were promised they would enjoy once they got here, and there’s no end to the promotion of the white grapes as the eternal reward for Islamic warriors in Earthly Islamic media, so it’s unclear to me what the problem is.”

According to heavenly aides, the shaheeds decline to explain their almost-uniform reactions to being served the delicacy, the initial discovery of which is invariably greeted by expressions of shock and disbelief. “Unfortunately we haven’t been able to elicit a coherent elaboration of those expressions – my sense is that the shaheeds are hesitant, even afraid, to admit something is different from what they were told to expect, but for the eternal life of me, I can’t fathom where the confusion lies, and what else they might have expected.”

Among themselves, the martyrs can sometimes be heard discussing the grapes in hushed tones, often repeating the word “huri” and shaking their heads. When Allah Himself, or the Prophet Muhammad, encounters these shaheeds and inquires after their enjoyment of the afterlife’s pleasures, the martyrs tend to offer a decidedly lukewarm reaction, and Allah has noticed.

“It has come to My attention that some of our recent arrivals might find the huri insufficient,” He intoned at a recent administrative meeting. “I attribute that to the desensitization of the modern Muslim in this age of media, inflation, and other evils. I propose that we increase the number of white grapes allotted to each shaheed by a factor of two. Agreed?”