We’re So Indigenous, The Land Came From Us

By Mahmoud Abbas

I’m getting tired of having to reiterate our ancient claim to the land of Palestine and how it far precedes that of the Jews, so let me settle this once and for all by establishing that we have been here so long, the very Earth emerged from us, and not the other way around.

That’s right: by the time the tectonic plates formed and created the Syria-Africa Rift Valley where Palestine sits, my people already had an ancient history in the land. Our ancestors frolicked and worshiped in harmony with Nature and the divine will eons before what is now called “the Middle East” came into coherent form. They saw the mountains rise, the Salt Sea form, and the very land masses congeal from the primordial magma. You can’t say that about the interloper, invader Jews.

You can take your archaeology, geology, and paleontology and shove it up your defiled backside with your defiled feet. All those so-called sciences are products of a Jewish conspiracy to deprive the Palestinians of their legitimate indigenous rights. You can show me Jewish artifacts, inscriptions, and texts until your arms fall off; it won’t help. I have decided we were here long before the pig-ape Jews, whose simian and porcine ancestors hadn’t even evolved into being when the Palestinians were already celebrating their five billionth year of peaceful, nonviolent prosperity.

Now the task has become to yell this established fact as loudly as possible on all possible occasions, until it becomes part of the corpus of assumptions governing international attention to the conflict. At its heart, this conflict is about two groups: one that is willing to assert that it was here so long ago that the very notion of “here” had yet to achieve any meaning, and another, and therefore inferior, group unwilling to make such a claim. So I think we know where humanity will decide the truth lies. See what I did there?

But we cannot rest on our laurels. It is not enough to convince the world that our presence is so ancient it gave rise to the tides themselves, shaped the magnetic field surrounding our planet. The primacy that such seniority gives up must be harnessed, as with every other phenomenon in the universe, as a weapon to fight the Jews, undermine their legitimacy, their very humanity. What good is the establishment of our prior presence if it cannot be used to make the world shrug at bombings, stabbings, and a general attempt to rid Jews from the land?