Teen Demands Referendum On Remaining In Same Room As Brother

“My goal is to take control of my own future, and not have to be dependent on some pre-teen with an underdeveloped concept of personal space.”

Ramat HaSharon, June 24 – Emboldened by the UK’s vote yesterday to leave the European Union, local adolescent Itamar Golan asserted that a similar process was necessary to determine whether he and his younger brother continue to share a bedroom.

Itamar, 15, told reporters at a press conference this morning that he was placed with Boaz, age 12, in the same living quarters without any democratic process, and he therefore demands that a vote be held and room assignments be reallocated accordingly, if necessary.

“Aside from the non-representative management of my affairs that that characterizes this and other family situations, it has become clear that neither I nor my brother were ever consulted regarding our preferred living arrangements, which is a clear departure from democratic norms, to which our society ostensibly adheres,” said the teen, reading from a prepared statement. “Such a referendum is necessary as an act of establishing – or reestablishing, as the case may be – individual sovereignty. For too long, that sovereignty has been ignored by the powers that be, or, worse, actively undermined. No more. Referendum now!”

The high schooler, just out of his freshman year, has taken a keen interest in the British “Brexit” referendum, which this morning was officially announced as resulting in a “Leave” vote. Itamar has proposed, with some forcefulness, a proposal to conduct a similar referendum of Golan household members living in the front-left bedroom. He has styled his campaign “MyOwnRoom,” including a Twitter hashtag for use in social media campaigning, and has printed flyers and posters to help sway the electorate.

“My goal is to take control of my own future, and not have to be dependent on some pre-teen with an underdeveloped concept of personal space,” argued Itamar. “Having my own room will allow me better control of who crosses the border from the hallway into my territory, and will free me of the onerous regulations that govern who gets to turn on the light, when, and for how long. I’ll turn on my light and keep it on all night if I want to, thank you very much.”

As for what happens to Boaz, Itamar contends that is not his problem. “I didn’t ask for him to be here. He can find another room – He can go live with [eight-year-old sister] Adi for all I care. Or there’s that guest room with the fancy towels that nobody ever uses. He can live there. It’s even nicer than this room, actually. Vote for My Own Room!”

Golan family authorities report they are looking into irregularities in the democratic process, including rumors that one set of voters has engaged in intimidation tactics against the other.