The Pigeons Are Crapping All Over Everything In This Goddamn Ark

By Noah, Son of Lemech

When I agreed to take on the task of preserving all the land-based life in the world, I expected some difficulty. It cannot be easy to tend to countless species, to keep predators and prey apart, to dispense food and clean out stalls, to avoid getting attacked, the whole deal. I knew that going in. But it’s getting pretty frustrating at how much the pigeons are crapping absolutely all over the place.

This vessel used to be pristine. No, I didn’t expect it to remain immaculate, with pairs of animals living in it for such a long time. But most of the animals have the sense to contain their feces within a reasonable perimeter. Not the pigeons, apparently, which seem to think the whole ark is their own personal toilet bowl. No, toilet bowls probably haven’t been invented yet, but you get my point. Dreckfinks.

It makes me want to abandon the commitment to remain vegetarian the whole time I’m in here, and slaughter the damn things, roast them, and tear them limb from limb with my teeth. Not because I crave their meat, but because I want to take out my anger on them. You would, too if they pooped all over everything you own, including the walls.

I thought it would be the goats who would cause the most problems, and there are nine of those beasts, what with their being “clean” livestock. They eat everything in sight, they fight, they shed everywhere. Yeah, they’re a pain, but that was to be expected. Goats suck. But I was prepared for their trouble. Pigeons? Who thinks about the trouble pigeons might cause? Well, let me tell you: they’re crap-hoses with wings. I’m ready to rip their feathers out and smash them against the wall.

There has got to be a better way. I have to take care of them, lest I fail to fulfill my mission and lose a whole species. After what happened to the unicorns, I’m not going down that road again. That means I can’t lock them up in a tiny space and just slip them some food every now and then. They’ll die – they need to move around. So you can bet, as soon as I can, I’m going to send a pigeon or two out the window of this ark and hope it never comes back.

And the ark? No way I’m keeping it after I get out of here. I’m going to burn it and every last bit of guano inside it. Yuck.