God Tests Beta Version Of AutoCorrect On Balaam

On three separate occasions AutoCorrect successfully thwarted the use of incorrect or harmful words.

A member of the testing team, left, holds a WiFi antenna to enhance the AutoCorrect download for Balaam, seated with his device.

Plains of Moab, July 13 – Sources within the software development section of the Heavenly realm revealed today that they have been field-testing an app that runs in the background and automatically fixes a person’s speech to reflect what the software’s algorithm determines should have been said.

Developers said that in early testing, the software shows much promise, having prevented a series of curses from being pronounced on the Israelites by a sorcerer hired to undermine them. “This is obviously a preliminary stage of the testing process, but we are pleased our product has performed so well in its first real and real-time situation,” gushed Archangel Tzophniel, who heads the AutoCorrect project. “It didn’t miss even one instance of inappropriate content to transform into something better.”

In the field test, the Aramean prophet and sorcerer Balaam was engaged to pronounce a curse on the advancing Israelites at the behest of King Balak of Moab. The king, seeing the Israelite’s military rout of the mighty Amorite rulers Sihon and Og, feared his own rule was threatened, despite Israelite designs on the land of Canaan, not Moab. Tzophniel’s team performed a download of the beta app when Balaam registered use of his mobile device on the way to meet Balak.

“We had some concerns when Balaam began abusing the device, but one of our tech support personnel was able to prevent real damage and get the test back on track,” recalled the angel. “Fortunately, the integrity of the software was not compromised, and the download proceeded apace.”

On three separate occasions over the next few days, AutoCorrect successfully thwarted the use of incorrect or harmful words that otherwise would have emerged from Balaam’s mouth. The prophet himself acknowledged the extent of the app’s capabilities, noting that even his client would not be able to hack it. “If Balak were to give me his entire house full of silver and gold, I could not find enough skilled coders to work around this software.”

Concerns still exist that AutoCorrect might erroneously detect false positives, but the supernal developers seem not to grasp the notion that a human would willingly engage in evil speech. “Does not compute,” admitted a puzzled Tzophniel. “Why would anyone want to do such a thing?” An assistant angel whispered something in his ear, but Tzophniel evidently seemed unable to process the information.

At press time, King Balak, on his way back to his capital city, was heard muttering, “Damn you, AutoCorrect,” again and again.