Let’s Breach Jerusalem’s Walls So Entitled Whiners Have To Fast Thousands Of Years From Now

By Nevuzaradan, Babylonian General

Men, we’re on the brink of a breakthrough. One final push today and we can breach the fortifications of Jerusalem. These Jews have given Emperor Nebuchadnezzar more than a handful’s worth of trouble for years already, and I know you’re as ready as I am to finish off this nuisance of a kingdom once and for all. But let me give you even more incentive: I have it on good authority that our breaching of these ramparts will cause generations of Jews down through the ages to fast in commemoration, and that includes cohorts of entitled, whiny, spoiled twerps, especially about 2,600 years from now. Little bastards.

The Jerusalem perimeter is crumbling. Our siege operation has demanded patience and commitment, and I commend each of you for your part. Think of the glory you bring to your unit. Think of the legends regarding our might that you have had a hand in creating. Think of the tortured looks on the faces of Jewish “Generation Xers” and “millennials,” as they will be called, as they engage in fasting through the daylight hours on the anniversary of this event, claiming they now know what suffering is. Oh, man, that is going to be sweet.

We’ve been working hard. We’re far from home, far from the stability of a home life, far from the luxuries of our own civilization. The pillage and rape that awaits us upon the sack of Jerusalem cannot fully compensate for the risk to life and limb, the sweat, and the time spent in a foreign land. But I’ll tell you what can: knowing that what we do here over the next few days will resonate through the centuries to the point that a bunch of entitled jerks who never had to face any real adversity will have to subject themselves to a day of not eating or drinking, and they’ll think it’s the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone. To put it as they will, they won’t be able to even.

No, I have no idea what that means. The point is, because of all the hard work we’re putting in here and now, we’ll get to laugh derisively at those sheltered, special snowflakes. Imagine I gave medallions or allotted captured women to my soldiers not based on their achievements, but for showing up, because each of you is special. See? See? You want to make them suffer already.

You can do it. Today is the day we can make those little whiners suffer. Now move out!