God Unsure How To Handle Prayers From Opposing Sports Teams

Observers note that while the Washington team apparently prayed with greater fervency, the Rutherford Team outdid them in imagining the positive consequences for their loved ones.

Little Rock, AR – Two high school football teams playing against each other have each prayed to the Lord to grant them victory in the game scheduled to start in several minutes, and the Creator of all reality remains unsure how to proceed.

The George Washington High School and Rutherford Academy teams will soon hold the coin toss to determine which team kicks off and which receives, but first, in keeping with local tradition going back to the nineteenth century, the players and coaches gathered with their respective institutions’ chaplains and beseeched God to grant them a decisive win over the opponent. A ministering angel brought the requests to the Source of Existence, Who admits some hesitancy in granting one prayer over the other.

“Both teams have more or less the same level of merit,” noted the Almighty. “Even if I deemed it appropriate to let people redeem that merit for the puny rewards of the earthly realm, it’s still a very close call. This is a tough one.”

Normally, explained the archangel Gabriel, the Lord carefully weighs the consequences of granting victory – or, almost as often, specifically causing a loss – to one team over another, and adjusts various factors to engineer the outcome. “A gust of wind, an unnoticed dip or bump on the field, a passing bird, a glint of blinding sunlight, a sudden muscle twitch or mental lapse – those are all tools God has at His disposal for these purposes,” noted Gabriel. “Things can be calibrated to a level of precision unthinkable in human terms, and with all the far-ranging consequences worked out: emotional and psychological impact, the effects on careers and individual personality development, funding, you name it. In this case, apparently, both options are either equally troublesome or equally beneficial. I do not envy God this decision.”

Observers note that while the Washington team apparently prayed with greater fervency, the Rutherford Team outdid them in imagining the positive consequences for their loved ones and friends that a victory for their team would produce. On the other hand, more members of the Rutherford squad are lusting after the cheerleaders than are their Washington counterparts, while the head coach of the Washington team is having an extramarital affair with the mother of one of his players.

At coin-toss time, the Lord was no closer to a decision. “I might just have to leave things to chance within the boundary conditions I created,” He allowed. “I mean, it’s worked pretty well for the universe so far.”