Ax Murderer Can’t Get Into Ax Murderer Club Without Protektzia

The need for “vitamin P,” as it is sometimes called, pervades almost every aspect of life in Israel, including leisure activities.

Holon, August 25 – A serial killer who specializes in murdering his victims using wood-chopping implements complained today that the local ax murderers’ association refuses to admit him without the recommendation of at least two current members, none of whom he knows, and noted that almost nothing in this society can be accomplished without personal connections.

Benny Garzen, responsible for the ax murders of at least eight people since the year 2000, lamented the closed, almost clannish nature of Israeli society, in which it seems even basic social and economic needs cannot be addressed without connections commonly known as “protektzia.” He blamed that phenomenon for his inability to gain entry to the Holon-area ax-murderer association, a group that already boasts eight members, but who make membership in the association contingent on the endorsement of at least two standing members, a feat that Garzen believes is unattainable.

“I’m a loner, as you might expect,” he explained. “The nature of my activities, which is the very reason I’m interested in this club, predisposes me to avoid most social situations, even my own family. I mean, the family I haven’t killed yet. I can talk to my mother’s mutilated corpse in the basement freezer, but that won’t help much.”

Lack of protektzia often stymies Israelis, especially immigrants, in their effort to get through bureaucracy and to perform many routine tasks, such as opening a bank account or gaining an appointment with a medical specialist. The need for “vitamin P,” as it is sometimes called, pervades almost every aspect of life in Israel, including leisure activities. In fact, says Garzen, he believes it was the pressure of the constant need to seek protektzia to accomplish what should be basic things that finally caused him to snap; his first victim was a shift supervisor at the Ministry of the Interior office in Jaffa who refused to authorize the issuance of the documents he had applied for until Garzen returned with various additional forms and evidence, a process that would require the applicant to again take time off from work, wait four hours on line, and only then be told to bring even more papers. He was finally able to obtain what he needed when a former neighbor who worked at the office expedited the paperwork.

If the local ax murderers’ association will not have him, Garzen says he is considering applying for membership in the Petach Tikva group, which is known to have laxer standards. “It’s not like Givatayim or anything, but I could probably get in based on the quality of my work, depending on who’s handling applications that week,” he predicted. “It’s just not as convenient, and I don’t like going too far from home. Who’s going to take care of my precious collection of limbs while I’m out?”

Please consider supporting PreOccupied Territory through Patreon.