Children Banned From Holy Temple After Walls Covered In Boogers

The announcement has thrown many pilgrims’ plans into disarray.

Jerusalem, October 6 – This year’s observance of the Day of Atonement at the Holy Temple will take place without children under the age of 14, the Temple Administration has announced, following years of frustration over the crusted mucus globs all over the compound’s walls after large numbers of children have visited.

Notices posted on the walls of the city and at major crossroads throughout the country now warn pilgrims undertaking their journey to the holy city to attend the annual Yom Kippur service that alternative activities must be arranged for children while their parents or guardians are on the Temple Mount for the all-day series of rituals aimed at achieving atonement for the people’s iniquities. The Temple Administration decided on the measure immediately after Rosh Hashanah this week, when the crews of priests and Levites cleaning up after the second day’s service discovered unprecedented numbers of boogers applied to the marble walls of the Temple and its surrounding halls and chambers.

“Be advised that after years of patience and forbearance, the Administration sees no choice but to restrict entry to the Temple Mount to those over the age of fourteen,” read the notice. “Our cleaning staff is already challenged by the tasks associated with maintaining the pristine and regal appearance of the Temple despite the myriad people and animals that pass through its walls each day. The challenge is compounded on Festivals and the Day of Atonement, when throngs more attend, and to add to their work the need to clear the walls of dried nasal mucus has made their task nigh impossible. Until further notice, no one under fourteen will be admitted to the Temple compound unless a specific dispensation is granted in advance by a duly appointed member of the Administration.”

The announcement has thrown many pilgrims’ plans into disarray. “Where am I supposed to find alternative activities for my kids?” asked Reuven Shiloni, 41. “I’ve been walking for three days from up north, and have three little ones with me. We’ve been saving up for this trip for months. I can’t make new plans like this.”

Tzadok HaKohen, a member of the Administration, assured inquirers that this year, they would sponsor day-care and junior congregation arrangements for all affected pilgrim children in the Upper City, across the Tyropean Valley from the Temple Mount, where they would not disturb the solemn proceedings in the Temple itself. “As of next year we expect people to make their own arrangements, or not to bring their young children at all, but we understand that the last-minute nature of this announcement has left many people with no alternatives, and we are doing our best to accommodate everyone’s needs.”

The decision has angered even those who would not be directly inconvenienced. “This is blatantly discriminatory,” charged Korah ben Yitzhar. “Why make the cutoff age fourteen? What idiot thinks older teenage boys don’t wipe their boogers anywhere and everywhere? And who says it even stops at adulthood? Hell, while they’re at it, why not ban Jews from the Temple Mount altogether, since they might soil the place with their filthy feet?”

A Waqf official was seen listening intently.