Those Fair Maidens From All Over My Empire Were Asking For It

By Ahashverosh, Emperor of Perso-Media

I’m an accomplished man. You don’t get to rule a vast empire – from India to Ethiopia, as they say, a hundred-twenty-seven provinces – without political and economic acumen. I’ve got that in spades. Naturally, a person of achievement such as myself attracts envy and enmity. It’s par for the course. So don’t go believing any of these maidens gathered from the four corners of my realm for purposes of finding a new queen when they claim I’ve touched them inappropriately or made unwanted sexual advances. It’s all fabrications by my political opponents. And the girls are all sluts, by the way. I didn’t do anything to them, even though they’re basically asking for it.

It’s sad. I’m a terrific king. Some people can’t simply accept that and pay me proper homage. They have this compulsion to make themselves feel better by trying to bring me down a peg, and it’s pathetic. What’s more, they’re unattractive, and it shows.

Of course I surround myself with beautiful women! Who wouldn’t? I don’t know anyone who wants to spend all day in the midst of ugliness. A man of my resources and wisdom – I’ve got the best advisers, you know – can afford to spruce up the palace and halls of government with attractive females of various ages. Not over thirty-five, of course, since any woman is over the hill by then, beauty-wise. Might as well hang up your mirror and just declare yourself overripe and not pretty anymore.

Unless you’re my daughter. Then I still might want to date you. If you know what I mean.

But we’re here to talk about the issues, and the issue in this case is how accomplished I am, and that’s why you can’t believe a thing all these floozies say I’ve done. They’re nobodies. What credibility do they have? Why didn’t anyone speak up sooner, anyway? If I’ve been sticking my royal hands up the skirts of all these fine pieces of ass for so long, why didn’t anyone come forward until now? The timing is suspicious, just when I’m embarking on a project to have a particular minority eliminated from the empire. Highly suspicious. You media people should be checking that out, not harassing me with fictional harassment and groping stories from hussies who are probably wishing the stories were true, because it would mean a powerful, handsome, successful man wants to touch them.

They’re ALL asking for it.

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