Labor Accuses God Of Monopolizing Bible With Pro-God Voices

There is not a single work in all of Tanakh written by someone who doesn’t see monotheism as a value, or who believes bribery to be just the thing.

Tel Aviv, November 1 – Leaders of Israel’s main opposition party today charged that the LORD was suppressing democratic dissent by filling the record of His revealed Word only with books and authors supportive of the divine agenda.

Opposition head, Labor Party, and Zionist Union chief Isaac Herzog laced into God today, saying that the Creator’s transparent attempt to fill the ranks of the Hebrew Scriptures – known as the Tanakh – exclusively with works in keeping with His will for humanity flies in the face of freedom of expression. Herzog called on the Almighty to open the Tanakh to other authors and perspectives, especially those whose opinions and ideologies clash with the books already there.

“Disagreement is healthy for societal discourse,” insisted Herzog, who sees a restriction of free expression if the same stage and attention is not available for all views. “Let the people be the judge of whether a given set of writings belongs in the canon. It is downright totalitarian to have only one view given such prominence, and to deny such exposure to, say, Amalek, Pharaoh, or Nebuchadnezzar.”

Other figures on the Israeli Left echoed Herzog’s concerns. “No one is saying God has to change His mind,” explained Tzipi Livni, the head of HaTnua and second on the Zionist Union roster. “But a decent respect for diversity of opinion is to be expected in the central body of text that the Eternal One has transmitted in one form or another through his messengers and prophets through the ages. I, for one, can’t see God disagreeing with that idea. He really should open up His canon to a greater variety of voices and opinions. I mean, there is not a single work in all of Tanakh written by someone who doesn’t see monotheism as a value, or who believes bribery to be just the thing. Including those marginalized perspectives would do wonders to enrich the tapestry of our culture.”

“Of course some things remain beyond the pale,” conceded Livni. “The LORD definitely has to eliminate works that include incitement, such as passages that speak negatively of those who engage in incest, bestiality, theft, fraud, gossip-mongering, shaming, infidelity, or self-worship. Can you imagine how it makes a narcissist feel to have the Source of existence itself treat him as unworthy? I mean, maybe you can’t, but those of us who are narcissists most certainly can. That’s why we’re in politics in the first place.”

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