UN: Abraham Used Excessive Force In Pursuing 4 Armies With His 318 Men

His campaign succeeded in seizing all the booty and prisoners taken by the four kings and their troops, at what the Human Rights Council has now called a disproportionate price.

Oaks of Mamre, November 7 – The United Nations Human Rights Council issued a condemnation today of the Hebrew man Abraham for what they deemed his use of force out of proportion to the military objective, and in violation of the laws of armed combat. They also condemned him for despoiling the slain and captured soldiers and returning the goods to the Sodomites from whom the goods had been taken.

The Council voted unanimously – four members abstained – to uphold the resolution, and to establish a commission of inquiry that could lead to Abraham’s prosecution at the hands of the International Criminal Court.

Abraham, an inhabitant of Canaan originally from the Sumerian city of Ur, was seen coming to the aid of five kings who had fomented rebellion against four other kings to whom they owed tribute. His nephew, Lot, lived in one of the five city-states involved in the revolt, and Lot’s capture by the four kings’ armies spurred the Hebrew to counterattack with a force of 318 fighters. Abraham’s forces routed the four kings as they withdrew along the Fertile Crescent toward their capitals in Mesopotamia, calling off the counteroffensive north of Damascus. His campaign succeeded in seizing all the booty and prisoners taken by the four kings and their troops, at what the Human Rights Council has now called a disproportionate price.

“Abraham and his forces engaged in wanton aggression compounded by disregard for casualties,” read the resolution. “He failed to warn the enemy he was about to attack, he failed to warn the enemy before each charge, and he failed to warn the enemy before each blow of his force’s weapons, policies that we expect only of Abraham and a small part of his eventual descendants.” At press time, the elderly Abraham was still childless.

Especially egregious, noted the Council, was that the Hebrew refused to call off the operation until every last possession and captive had been reclaimed from the four kings, which violates every norm governing the treatment of Abraham and his eventual Jewish descendants. “Land and property in the possession of non-Jewish – in this case, non-Abrahamic – hands are off limits to Jews and Abraham even with the claim that said land or property was once in the possession of Jews,” the Council declared. “The same does not hold true of land or items in the possession of others, which can always be legitimately taken, by force if necessary, from Jews, or in this case, Abraham. This will remain true for the foreseeable future, and we expect it to remain relevant for many ages.”

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