Liberal Mobs Call For Burning, Stoning Of False-Prophet Pollsters

The mobs of chanting protesters specifically called for Nate Silver, who administers Five-Thirty-Eight, to be handed over to them to be dragged through the streets and hanged in the public square.

Washington, November 9 – Left-leaning voters and pundits in the United States and beyond thronged to the offices of various opinion-poll organizations and called for them to be appropriately punished for falsely portraying a Hillary Clinton victory as more likely than the Trump presidency that will now happen.

Thousands-strong crowds carrying pitchforks, torches, and sticks descended on the Washington Post, New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and other strongholds of left-wing journalism, as well as the offices of Five-Thirty-Eight, demanding that those who prophesied the rise of Clinton and the downfall of Trump be subjected to stoning or immolation, as befits false prophets. The mobs of chanting protesters specifically called for Nate Silver, who administers Five-Thirty-Eight, to be handed over to them to be dragged through the streets and hanged in the public square as a warning to others who might dare get their hopes of liberal ascendancy up, only to be dashed by reality.

“Give us Nate! Give us Nate! We’ll put his skull upon a plate!” yelled one group, waving their torches. “Trump would win it all along, and we’re not used to being wrong!” chided another. Editors of the Washington Post who tried to calm the crowd down were subjected to hurled objects, were rushed back into the building. Police declined to disperse the mobs, in keeping with the prevailing liberal ethos that sees law enforcement as a danger to democracy and tolerance.

Analysts remain unsure what the future holds for the believers. “Obviously it makes little sense to make a prediction here, as that’s what got us into this trouble in the first place,” observed Times economic columnist Paul Krugman. “All I can say is I hope either our current idolatry weathers this crisis of faith, or we find a new one with which to replace it. That transition might or might not involve some bloodshed, as it always does, but in the short term I’m more concerned with my inability to get out of this office and get home. I kind of miss my family.”

Journalists in the angry throngs boiled over with frustration and disappointment. “Everything we were told to believe was wrong, and somebody has to pay,” growled Gene Weingarten, a Washington Post writer. “It’s still axiomatic that our world view is unerring, so the fault must be that of the people who failed to foresee this development – the pollsters and statisticians. They misled us! Off with their heads!”

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