Polls That Saw Clinton Victory Just Israeli Ruse To Break Palestinian Morale

Officials characterized the complex set of operations as a masterpiece.

Tel Aviv, November 16 – Israeli Ministry of Defense and intelligence officials voiced satisfaction today after a post-mortem assessment of their clandestine activities related to the American presidential election, an important element of which included the building up of Palestinian hopes for a sympathetic personality in the White House, only to be crushed by the unexpected victory of the opponent, who had made unequivocally pro-Israel statements during the campaign.

Plaudits spread through the Ministry of Defense and Mossad headquarters Wednesday following a presentation by operatives who briefed senior officials on the success with which they manipulated polling data for almost two years to create the illusion that Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton would defeat Donald Trump. The trend of polls published in every major media outlet pointed to a close but convincing edge for Clinton in the race, lulling Palestinians, their advocates, and opponents of Israel into complacency over the expected policies of Barack Obama’s successor, who, as a Democrat, would stick to Obama’s harsh treatment of Israel relative to his predecessors, and pressure the Jewish State in to far-reaching concessions to the Palestinians.

However, the published polls were merely misinformation spread by Mossad agents, and did not reflect the reality of Trump’s support, leading the Palestinians and their advocates to the shock and dismay of discovering that the next occupant of the Oval Office will be a man who has expressed nakedly hostile sentiments toward Muslims and promised to move the US Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem.

Officials present at the briefings characterized the complex set of operations as a masterpiece. “I obviously can’t divulge how it was done, and I was only privy to part of the mechanism, but it could not have been easy to manipulate things in an undetectable way so often, in so many places, for such a long time,” gushed a Mossad official who spoke on condition of anonymity. “The goal had to be a gradual buildup of a seemingly inevitable Clinton victory, with subtle indications that her Mideast policy would be a continuation of Obama’s  – pressure on Israel, threats of international isolation, and no real demands made of the Palestinians. Then boom – they wake up Wednesday morning to a bleak new world.”

“It was elegant in its execution,” added a colleague. “It wasn’t just an election that didn’t turn out as they expected. It was so precisely calibrated that even through Election Day itself, as the heavily Democratic Northeast states carried the early returns for Hillary, the debacle to come was unthinkable. It hit them from behind, and they’re still reeling.”

“We have to do this more often,” agreed a third.

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