Non-Priests Ask For TL;DR Version Of Leviticus

“We don’t need to know where the blood of an animal gets applied to the altar, or which internal organs get burned.”

Wilderness of Sinai, December 15 – A coalition of Israelites representing all of the tribes but Levi petitioned Moses today for a condensed edition of the book of Leviticus, saying the arcane and niche procedures in the book are all but irrelevant to anyone who is not a Levite or a priestly son of Aaron.

The group, which calls itself Tribes for Lexical Directness and Relevance (TLDR), requested a concise version of the book which would not include the lengthy descriptions of offerings, dedication procedures, and provisions for priestly behavior that accounts for so much of the Leviticus text. TLDR also includes a small but adamant contingent from the tribe of Levi itself.

Ahiezer ben Ammishaddai, a chief of the tribe of Dan, explained there was little reason for the detailed descriptions of the priestly service to be included in the Torah given to the entire people. “There is plenty of material in the other books already that will take a lifetime to master and expound,” he contended. “When it comes to each Israelite’s personal encounters with the Tabernacle Service, we can just seek guidance from the priests and do as they instruct. We don’t need to know where the blood of an animal gets applied to the altar, or which internal organs get burned.”

Tribe of Naphtali leader Nethanel ben Tzu’ar added that the book of Leviticus contained significant passages beyond the niche Holy Service that would receive short shrift if so much emphasis is placed on the animals, meal offerings, and the intricate discussion of the differences among the procedures for the Olah, Sin, Guilt, Shelamim, and burnt offerings. “The list of forbidden sexual liaisons is a lot more useful to the people than some long-winded illustration of a once-a-year set of procedures performed only by the High Priest,” he argued. “I love Aaron – everybody does – but I’m sure the Day of Atonement service could be transmitted to him and his descendants separately. The rest of us are just trying to complete the fast day. We don’t need to know how many times he’s flinging the blood of a bullock at a curtain in the Tabernacle we non-priests never see. We’re not even allowed in that section.”

Sources close to Moses indicated the petition is likely to be refused. “These people ain’t seen nothing yet,” retorted Tabernacle designer Betzalel ben Uri. “Anyone gotten a sneak peak at the book of Chronicles yet? Brutal.”

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