Abbas Rails Against Jacob’s Sons For ‘Defiling’ Palestinian Pit With Joseph

The Morabitoun, as they will be known, with their female counterparts the Morabitat, will attempt to obstruct Jacob and his offspring from performing Talmudic rituals that threaten or undermine Palestine’s sanctity.

Dietrich Krieger via Wikimedia Commons

Ramallah, December 18 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas had angry words today for ten of Jacob’s sons, who threw their brother Joseph into a cistern near the town of Nablus, accusing them of contaminating a pure Palestinian pit with a filthy Hebrew.

Abbas spoke to reporters at the presidential palace in the de facto Palestinian capital this morning. In his remarks he called on the international community to take action to protect his people’s rights and to prevent the sons of Jacob from compromising the sanctity of Palestine by tolerating the presence of Jacobite feet or other limbs therein.

“Each stride the filthy Hebrews take in our land is a defilement of holy ground,” pronounced the president, now in the twelfth year of a four-year term. “We must liberate Palestine from the invaders who came here under false pretenses and dispossessed us of our heritage.” He vowed to find the authentic owner of the pits and to bring on his behalf a war crimes charge at the International Criminal Court against anyone descended of Jacob.

“An occupying power is barred under the Geneva Conventions from damaging the spiritual institutions and heritage of the occupied people,” continued Abbas. “Here the Zionist aggressors violate every norm, casting one their own unclean people  – if they are even people, those sons of apes and pigs – into our sacred empty pits and rendering them defiled.” He added that the callous disregard for the pit extended to whatever creatures might lie in there, and that casting Joseph into the pit showcased the cruelty of the Hebrews toward whatever snakes and scorpions might inhabit it.

Following the press conference the Palestinian president directed his ministers to establish a team of activists to follow the Hebrews throughout the land and harass them to prevent further defilement of it and its sites. The Morabitoun, as they will be known, with their female counterparts the Morabitat, will attempt to obstruct Jacob and his offspring from performing Talmudic rituals that threaten or undermine Palestine’s sanctity.

Unconfirmed reports also have the brothers soiling a striped item of cloth with blood taken from a slaughtered goat. Observers say the goat slaughter is probably another war crime, since it, along with anything else Palestinians touch, belongs to them, and that the striped item is most likely a Palestinian flag.

Jacob’s sons were unavailable for comment. An Ishmaelite eyewitness told a reporter that the group used the proceeds from selling Joseph as a slave to buy shoes, presumably to conceal evidence of the defilement their feet were causing to Palestine.

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