SHOCKER: Scientists Find Non-Synthetic Compounds In Sufganiya ‘Jelly’

The public health ramifications of the study, if confirmed by subsequent research, are yet unknown.

Rehovot, December 22 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science have discovered what are apparently actual non-artificial substances in the standard filling used for traditional Hanukkah pastries.

A team of scientists studying the sufganiya, as it is known in modern Hebrew, analyzed the jam-like paste found in most specimens, and determined that in contrast to their assumption going in, the filling contains chemical compounds that almost always occur as products of natural organic processes, such as sucrose and glucose. The team will publish its findings in next month’s issue of the journal YUCK.

“We were more than a little surprised at what we found,” confessed team leader Riba T’halav. “The filling of a sufganiya is known for being one of the most unnatural substances in existence. Nothing occurring in nature has that color, consistency, or scent.” Her description did not include a mention of the taste, since none of her team members could bring themselves to place any of the vile “jelly” in their mouths, she explained.

Not all sufganiyot – deep-fried pastries often described as a variety of doughnut – contain the infamous jelly, but the other traditional mass-produced fillings, which masquerade as caramel and chocolate, have similar characteristics. “Last year we looked at the ‘chocolate’ fillings,” recalled Dr. Sue Carr, a senior team member. “We couldn’t complete the study, though, because everyone came down with food poisoning of some sort.”

If replicated, the new study would throw into disarray widespread beliefs about sufganiyot. “I always thought I was giving my child a nutrition-free, marginally edible…thing,” noted area parent Soh Keret. “When my child’s kindergarten or elementary school class brings in a load of sufganiyot, the last thing I want is some natural substance sullying the experience. If I wanted anything like that I’d have put her in that Steiner school where all the weirdos go.”

The public health ramifications of the study, if confirmed by subsequent research, are yet unknown; Minister of Health Yaakov Litzman urged Israelis last week to abstain from sufganiyot, citing obesity and diabetes concerns. A call to his office went unanswered.

It remains unclear whether the study will be replicated. A group of researchers from the Haifa Technion and Hebrew University are putting together a grant proposal to analyze sufganiyot from non-mass-market establishments, such as the Roladin bakery-cafe chain, but they fear that grant-making institutions will be unwilling to part with sums high enough to purchase more than one or two Roladin sufganiyot.

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